Usually, on this blog, I have published a letter to Boodge or Peanut on their birthdays. I wrote Boodge's letter but I'm not sure yet that I'm going to publish it, as I'm always wrestling with how personal to be on this blog. So...in the meantime I thought I'd just post a couple photos today to celebrate and honor my little boy. Every Mama says it, but I'll say it anyway: I can't believe he's 4, I can't believe how quickly it's gone by and how more and more he's becoming his own little person, someone I am getting to know with delight and curiosity and often bewilderment. He teaches me so much about myself, and inspires me to be a better person.
Happy Birthday Boodge! And a big thank you to everyone who came today and brought their kids to share this day with him. Thanks to everyone who sent or brought presents, called, or left him a message to wish him happy birthday. He had a really special day and I'm grateful for that. Thanks for making Boodge feel loved. We love you too!
"So, whatever happened with the bed bugs?" some of you are asking. Who can blame you? You're afraid to come to my house, when I come into yours, you want to surreptitiously inspect me for bites. I'm kidding...it's not like that. Everyone has been kind-hearted, and sensitive about the situation. Some people have been funny. My cousin visited and slept outside in a tent. It's awkward for everyone. So, having dropped the bed bug bomb out into the world, I feel the need to bring the story to a conclusion.
Except there wasn't one. It's been three weeks now, and no fresh bites. So I have no explanation for what was biting the Boodge. My best guess is that we had a bug, and we got it when we cleaned. And then the last set of bites Boodge got were mosquito bites, like he said. I've noticed that the last set of bites didn't leave lingering brown scars the way the other sets did. So who knows. I don't, but I'm not worried about bed bugs anymore. I'm starting to move Boodge's books and clothes back into his room, and moving past it.
But here's what I've learned, for anyone in the same situation. Doctors cannot necessarily confirm bedbugs just from looking at the bites. My dad, who is a doctor, and my friend's mom, who is also one, have since told me this too--as did the exterminator. The best thing to do, if you suspect anything, is just call an exterminator to inspect the place for bugs. They are experts and usually you can get the inspection free.
I may never know what we had but I do know my mom's birthday weekend was cancelled because of it. And then a week later we went to the same doctor because Boodge's mouth broke out with tons of painful cankers, and he had fever and sore throat for about 6 days. I saw white spots on his throat and took him in. The doctor said, "I am sure this is strep throat. His throat is so red and raw." I really liked this doctor by the way--he was young and kind and had a genuine interest and attention. He even told my mom (she saw him after us for a prescription refill) he thought Boodge was intelligent and that if he had a son he would like the same quality he saw in Boodge in his son. Way to get to a Mama's heart.
But the fact is, it wasn't strep throat. The swab came back negative. And the doctor wasn't going to take a swab at all, but I suggested he do, in case it was cankers on Boodge's throat. He took the swab and suggested we start antibiotics right away, even though the test results would be a few days. I did, though I have reservations about antibiotics, because Boodge was in such a bad state I didn't want him to suffer anymore. (He was making us suffer, too, I might add. He was not graceful in his illness).
So, another mystery bug, (I think it was "hand, foot and mouth" virus or herpes virus, myself) misdiagnosed by the same doctor, which also caused my mother to miss her second and last opportunity to see my cousins while she was visiting. The moral of this story? You tell me. Nice young doctors may still be over-confident? Do your best? Go with the flow? Or, blame it on the Super Moon. Because once that thing had passed, things calmed down and life seems to be back to some sort of normal.
All I can say, people, is that while I have no concrete facts, I'm pretty sure we're not contagious in any way anymore. But I'll let you know if things change.
I've written a post on the last two Mother's Days (here and here) dedicated to two amazing Mom's I know--my mom and my friend D. This Mother's day, I wasn't going to write anything. I woke up to the beautiful face of my little daughter, who rolled around with me in bed hugging and kissing and generally keeping me up way to early with her wonderful sweetness. Finally, I woke my husband and he took her away so I could sleep more. Just as I was drifting off the door opened and Boodge came in quietly, climbed onto the bed and curled up next to me for a cuddle, whispering about sleep but clearly not intending to go there. Cuddles with Boodge happen less and less as he gets older and I savored it for a while, before I gently encouraged him to go help Daddy get Mother's Day ready. He scampered away. I rolled over feeling bathed in blessings and love, so grateful, so humbled by my good fortune.
I decided to write today because my mind keeps drifting to some new Mama's I love that have had, literally, a hell of a year. One friend lost her baby in her third trimester, before she even got to meet the little girl that has transformed her life and led her to question everything. Another friend is spending her Mother's day as she has spent the last 2 weeks, at the bedside of her 4-month old daughter who is struggling for her life after an open heart surgery, the second of her young life. These two women are some of the most beautiful, caring, brave souls I have ever known, women who even before their pregnancies had already endured incredible hardships and transformed those into strength, compassion, and giving back to others. What has happened to them in becoming mothers seems so cruel and unfair. So without reason.
On Mother's Day I also always think of my cousins, who lost their mother in a car accident when they were small children. A loss that could never be quantified or replaced, a loss that is life-altering, and often grieved anew as they mature and achieve milestones in their lives. I think of their mother, because I know that for me, even the thought of dying while my children still need me is almost unbearable. Her loss impacted not only our cousins, but my mother (her sister), and my grandmother, so deeply that of course it also shaped me. One mother means so much to so many people and generations.
I didn't want to write and be a downer on the day of all those who are celebrating and who are, like me, experiencing a Mother's day filled with love and appreciation. I wanted to write to say that I want to honor the loss of my two friends, my cousins, their mother, on this day. Their experiences remind me that I am blessed beyond measure, just because I am here with my two healthy children in this moment, and we want for nothing. Their experiences remind me that all the daily things I may want to complain about; the mess, the whining, the long days on little sleep, the constant demands, the raw emotions--all of those things too are blessings because we are HERE, together, and that small, tenuous thing that is not granted to everyone. That may not always be granted to us.
To do my best to regard my children, and my role as their mother, as an everyday miracle. To remember with each complaint and need for respite to be thankful that this is only as hard as it is, sometimes. This is the only way I know to come close to honoring the loss of my friends and family members, of all the mothers who have lost babies and babies who have lost mothers.
Now take 2 minutes and 58 seconds to let this little video set to Elizabeth Mitchell's "So Glad I'm Here" I just found on Youtube fill your heart. It's perfect. Lots of love to all all of you who mother on this day.
