At the tipping point.

Our family got away to Tofino this weekend. It was a trip in honour of Ardan’s first birthday, a sort of baptism for him in the Pacific. For Sean and I, a journey to regroup, look at the year behind and ahead in a space out of time—or so it feels there. We are feeling hopeful these days, excited about big changes in the wings. Within the year, we’d like to move to a smaller town and buy our first house, a little slice of space out of time all our own. And we are enjoying the anticipation and the question we find ourselves in. Where will it be? What will it be like? How will it change things? How can we make it the best home possible for our family?

Maybe not just coincidentally, I have been noticing examples of how life can sometimes blindside us. I read a quote recently that started it all off, something to the effect of “She wept, because life so often turns out so differently from what you expected it to be.” And then other things popped up—an acquaintance who is going through a tragic divorce. Sean telling me about a woman he once met who had been in 7 car accidents. A woman on Oprah who, in her 30’s, developed a strange disorder in her ligaments that started pulling her body slowly to one side so that she had to exist painfully leaned over, struggling to drink water and walk through doorways.

But it’s not just the unexpected, unlucky changes that sometimes blindside you—even your fondest dreams for can throw you for a loop when they are actualized. Having a baby, glorious loop though it is, surely teaches you that. I’m aware that no matter how much we plan and anticipate, we can’t know until we make the change what it’s going to bring with it.

I like change, don’t get me wrong. I also like to plan, anticipate, cover all the angles, make sure the changes we have choice in are going to lead to the best possible outcomes for our family. So the now knowing part is tricky for me. Scary, I dare say.

When I started writing this yesterday, I had to stop without finishing, because I didn’t have an ending. It all seemed to negative, and I wanted a way through that. Then another coincidence happened. I read "What if..." over at Mama Renew, about how we come to the tipping point where the desire to move forward is greater than the fears we have about what that may bring. It seemed to be written just or me. I realized that I am there, at that tipping point, so I have to stay outside the fear, or I will close myself off to the beautiful possibilities. So let the winds of change blow, and may they gently but firmly land us in a better place.