All this to say.....

In August I was on an all-time blogging high, getting to a record 5! posts. Then...what happened? September and almost October have gone by in a flash, with the winds of change blowing all around me, twisting me this way and that. My dearest sister-momma and her family moved out of town in search of a new lifestyle, and I spent lots of time soaking her in and helping her move before she left. Our own family has begun house-hunting too, which consumes hours on the internet, in the car, and trekking over strangers' carpets and into their bathrooms while their cats shriek in little cages in the closet, or their children play video games on the floor.

The summer washed away and is, as we speak, falling from the trees. I've been planning trips, too, and I took one with the Boodge. Back to my homeland (where the heart is) in Ontario and Montreal. I saw my brother and his sweet family, my mom, my dad. Came home to a new appreciation of my own family, fonder from absence. And in a few short days we begin churning again with more planes, boats, and automobiles to come.

Yesterday the news reported that the polar ice cap is melting alarmingly fast--faster than expected. My gut clenched. It's too late, I thought, but then argued with myself, because no, it's not too late, and there is much that can be done, and much unknown. But still, the reality of life on this planet may be very different in the future, and we have to brace for the change. To calm myself, I remind myself of our resilience and adaptablity, and I hold my family close in my mind's eye and am grateful for them.

Often I wonder about what it will be like for the Boodge, and ask that question people ask sometimes, "Was it fair to make a baby in a world that is so uncertain? Would it be fair to make another?" I know people who believe, fervently, no. Still, I can't help but feel fervently, yes! For so many reasons--because I'm not giving up on the future, and every new life is a hope. Because I believe that living can be beautiful in some ways no matter what the struggle, and that struggle is part of a full life. Because the scary is helped by the love and closeness and wisdom of others, and I want to Boodge to have an Other--some family that will, hopefully, still be there when is dad and I are gone. My end of the bargain, and Sean's, is to try to create that safe haven of family for the little lives we're summoning forth, and to give them the tools to survive mentally, physically, and spiritually, and to leave a positive mark on the earth. Easy, right?

And what, may you ask, moved me to sit down and finally write this post, to get back on the blog? A little hope has sprung up in me today, a little stream that invites a miracle to come. See....in my family, we have this doll. It's a little African fertility idol that came on a necklace I got when I was 16 years old, wandering around in awe in the parking lot of a Grateful Dead show decked out in my tie die skirt and ankle jingler. It sat in my jewellry box and then my bead box until I gave it to my above mentioned dear sister-mama 5 years ago when she was trying to conceive her second child.

It worked. Fortunately, she kept it in the house and, um, it worked again, quickly creating her third little "weezard" old-soul baby. After that they wanted to pass it on rather (ehem) quickly, so they did so to my brother and his wife. It worked beautifully again, bringing them my sensitive, joyous nephew. The idol then came to live in my house, where, when we were ready, I placed it on a shelf surrounded by incense and beachstones throughout the weeks leading up to our wedding. It's energy was strong enough to come with us to Costa Rica on our honeymoon(or maybe it happened at home--who knows), because the Boodge was born 9 months later. So, we passed it on, this time to some friends of friends that had been trying to conceive for over a year. She wore it around her neck for months, in fact, it ended up being all the months of her subsequent pregnancy, cause...it worked.

It got to the point where some people didn't want the doll in their house, or were afraid to touch it. But I think the will has to be there--the idol doesn't just work randomly on people who don't want children, or aren't ready. Clearly it doesn't, because it's been back in our place now for several months, and I have been sitting around wondering when I'm going to menstruate again. Searching forums to find out how long it takes other women, thinking about night weaning the Boodge. He's a bit of a boobaholic, let's face it. But still, I've felt relaxed about it. As some friends suggested, when the Boodge is ready, my body will get ready. Or, when I'm ready to tell the Boodge my body wants to be ready. Or, when we move and he gets his own room. But it hasn't felt right to want to hurry it, yet.

So the idol lay around in various catch-all baskets in the bathroom, living room, in my purse sometimes, until just before I left for Ontario, I thought I should really give it a proper place. So I put it on the little birth-alter I had for the Boodge's birth, next to the soapstone carving of an Inuit woman nursing her babe my mother gave me. I lit some incense and told her I'd like to start ovulating again, soon.

And today...it worked. Just the ovulating, people, don't get too excited. Today, if you don't mind my saying, I will have to go out and find myself a post pregnancy sized "diva cup". Funny how it all reminded me of that waiting in adolescense to say excitedly, or miserably, depending on your savvy: "I got it!". But it feels better this time--more connected to what it means to create another human being and shelter them on this planet. The idol worked, and I hope it keeps working. Because the possibility of another vibrant, amazing life is, for me, an antidote to all the fear out there.

So all that to say, "I'm back!" and "I got it." And keep on creating and trusting and believing in magic, no matter how scary the future may look.