The Whole Truth

Since posting my last post, I have been considering taking it down. Partly, I was worried about all the "just a mom" stuff I was saying, hoping no stay-at-home mom would misinterpret that to be anything but my own issues. But also, I realized it was not the whole truth. That post came in the midst of 2 days in which my husband had to work super-long hours, and was unable to break for anything but bedtime stories and night time--no dinner with us, no bathtime, no hang out in the evening. I was "on" the Boo from 6:30 wake up till 9:00 bed-time. In fact, he worked until 3 am both nights and was up at 6:30 to get ready for his 7am meeting. I don't know how he does it, or why.

Although that type of lunacy doesn't happen all the time, it happens often enough that along with the travel 6-8 weeks a year his job entails, it is difficult for me to commit to anything like a job or even volunteer work. So, when I said in that post that I didn't want to change anything, it wasn't true. If I had it entirely my way, Sean would work reasonable hours and I would work or volunteer part-time, and since he was working reasonable hours, he could do the child care when I worked, and we would still have some time as a family too.

But that's not the way it is. For a year after Boodge was born, I complained about this almost daily and the issue was a big strain in our family. But Sean is invested in the project he is working on, and for various and valid other reasons, isn't willing to change jobs now. Instead he has set some more boundaries around work, and he's been much better at being available on weekends and evenings. Still, it's not my ideal, or his.

I am a firm believer that if something isn't working, you should change it if you can. But as part of a family, I can't make it just about whether it's working for me. And though I believe that Sean having more time with Boo and not working so hard would be best for all of us, it's not just up to me. He's not ready to make a change, and one thing I've learned about Sean is he has to come to things in his own time and mind. And don't we all, really? Anyway, part of it is my choice. If I wanted to hire someone to look after Boo, I could have more time to do other things. But I'd rather do it myself.

So over these 2 years I've worked really hard at looking at the big picture, and focusing on the blessings. I am able to be the one raising my child, which I wanted. We have a very comfortable income, and it's secure for now, which is more than many families have. Sean can work from home, so even though he works a lot, Boo and I see him lots too because he takes 5 here and there throughout the day, and in an emergency, he's right there. I can still get a little time for creativity and relaxation. I can take trips to visit friends and family, unencumbered by work commitments. My marriage and family is strong. The Boo is uber-happy, from what I can tell.

But I just wanted to clarify, to make sure I'm telling the whole truth. I've chosen to come to terms with the way things are, and I'm very content. I believe in counting my blessings and accepting gracefully that which I cannot change (though I usually get to grace through a sweaty, ugly effort of first trying to change it anyway). But there's also a valid reason why I sometimes feel like I'm not having a rounded enough life. And for that matter, neither is Sean. Neither are lots of parents with young children. But we're still so incredibly blessed, that I'm done complaining. For now. Talk to me again when the Peanut arrives.