Party on, Parents. And Bring the Kids.

I spent about a week in Barcelona with my cousin in my mid 20's. Every night we went to the same bar, and after a few days, the bartender, Theo and his barfly buddy started to regard us as people rather than just obnoxious American tourists (my cousin was from California, and tainted my good Canadian reputation). So when we asked them for tips on something fun to do, they hesitated a while, conferred in Spanish, and then decided it was OK to tell us that there was a local festival going on in the city that night. They gave us directions and we headed down.

The festival was in the maze of residential city streets, which were lined with awesome art made of recycled trash. Different types of music played around every corner, cafes were open on the sidewalks with food and drink, and the streets were filled with people dancing. But the best part about it was that it was a party for all ages. We watched an elderly couple steal the show on the dance floor while the crowd clapped in admiration. Children were dancing with parents, or other children, and were weaving in and out of the crowd excitedly. And it was well past midnight. Families were partying together, and there was no issue of anyone being too old or too young to be part of the action.

I thought of this because this weekend, we are heading to a wedding where no kids are allowed. I get it, I really do. It's a special day for the couple, and they don't necessarily want a kid melting down during their vows, or stealing the show by doing something cute or obnoxious in the aisle. And it's harder for people to party at the reception when kids are there (unless you're in Spain, I guess). When you don't have kids yet, it's easier to think of all the ways they will spoil your good time rather than the ways they may add to it.

When we got married, we had 25 kids at the wedding and reception. We had a pinata after the ceremony, and made sure to have kid appropriate food at the reception. I really wanted them there because to me marriage is a rite of passage that is all about the creation of a family. Making a new person together, and sharing the responsibility for raising that person well, is the ultimate commitment. At the ceremony, I frankly would have been greatly relieved if one of the kids had done something to take the attention off me for a minute.





But at the reception, the kids truly made the party great. They were by far the most die-hard on the dance floor, and it was gorgeous to see kids dancing with parents and grandparents. Some babies napped during the reception, some kids ran screaming through the hall being chased by the best "monster" man, one made faces and tried to crack me up during my speech. They seemed to be having so much fun, and they treated Sean and me like celebrities, which helped add a bit of specialness to the day. Yeah, people filtered out a little earlier than they might have if they hadn't had their kids there, but by then I was ready to hit the honeymoon suite anyway, so no worries. They also went easier on the open bar--just a tip for you all.

I understand that kids can't be part of every adult activity, but since becoming a parent I sure do appreciate times when I can enjoy myself with other adults, and my kid can be there too. Places like the Vancouver Folk Music Festival, where kids are accommodated and welcomed, are so special and rare. It seems most of the places designed for adult fun here in North America are "no kids allowed" spaces.

In my family, we did a lot of multi-generational partying. My parents partied with friends, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, and we kids partied right alongside with them. When we were young, I like to believe we provided a lot of entertainment for them before we went to bed. Big family dinners, were jovial and loud and gluttonous, and as we got into our know-it-all years often included heated but good-natured political discussion. Usually we all played games (charades, cards, board games) after dinner. And later, the kids would fragment off to do kid things while the adults carried on in another room. Generally, someone remembered us and told us to go to bed, until we were teenagers and started outlasting the adults.

I'm not talking about letting kids in on inappropriate adult parties, where there is sexuality, irresponsible drug and alcohol use, and reckless behavior. I'm talking about an opportunity to role model responsible fun. My mom's family is Belgian, and had European, more liberal views than are generally accepted in North America on alcohol use for minors. From a young age, we were allowed to have a little beer, and as we got into adolescence, we were poured a glass of wine at the dinner table. As teens, we were allowed to drink with the family, and many of us probably had our first turn with the barf bowl right there at Christmas or Thanksgiving. I know I did.

It sounds crazy and controversial to some people, but when you think about it, would you rather your child's first experience with excessive drinking come when you are right there to monitor it, and they are in a safe place, with childhood friends or family you trust and know deeply? Or would you rather they do it without your knowledge, maybe even lying to you about who they are with and where they are going?

My experience was that, by the time I reached the age of partying with my friends, I had the know-how to do it responsibly. As a teen, I often offered to be the designated driver, because it wasn't a big deal that I be able to get drunk. I also knew when to stop if I was in a situation that felt sketchy and I wanted my wits about me. Even the recreational drugs I tried, I first learned about from older cousins, who were safe people that told me how to use them, what to watch out for, and what I could expect to feel. There were some I chose not to try, based on this knowledge, as well as the open discussions we had about drugs at the family dinner table.

But partying with trusted adults and their kids didn't just teach me how to use substances. It also helped me develop richer relationships with adults, and close friendships with my extended family that have lasted my lifetime. I learned that I was a funny and interesting person to hang out with, not someone adults wanted to get away from when it was time to have fun. I got to see my parents and grandparents in a different light, as people kicking back and enjoying life, and from them I learned the importance of sharing good times with good people. I saw adults as approachable, and enjoyed candid conversations where I benefited from their experience without it being a serious or awkward. And I got enlightened on many topics around my grandmother's table, where a lot of my values and political opinions were formed.

Of course, adults need fun time away from their kids, and kids need fun time away from their parents. Parents need to stay parents, and boundaries need to be observed and respected. But I hope to find a way to work in partying with my kids and my trusted, lifelong friends and family, and their kids, well into my old age. Spain, in my mind, has the right idea. A family that parties together, stays together. So here's a toast, to the creation of more inclusive party places for parents and kids!