I, Tandem Nurser

It's hard for me to be "out of the closet" as a tandem nurser.  I was pretty comfortable nursing a toddler in front of people, but less comfortable nursing when pregnant, and now, when I have both my baby and toddler latched on in front of anyone but my husband, I feel varying degrees of cringe.   It is admittedly a unique sight, and I get it that people almost can't help but stare with fascination.  And they're usually family or close friends, but still, I feel like a bit of a freakshow tandem nursing in front of them.  Most of the time though, people can't help but display a little melting and utter an "awww" when they see Boodge reach out to hold his sister's hand, or stroke her head, and that makes me feel a little better.

I must admit, most of my extended family and friends have been very accepting of what I know is not a mainstream decision, and though some gently challenged my intention to tandem-nurse while I as pregnant, nobody has done so since Peanut has been born.  Still, I can't help but wonder if privately, people are thinking I'm a freaky, over-indulgent, over-involved, hippy-dippy, extreme natural parenting nutcase mother.  And there are some in my life who I know would think one of those things, with whom haven't confirmed nor denied that Ardan is not weaned.  Not that it would change my choice what anyone thinks or that it is anyone's business but my family's.  Nonetheless, a discomfort is there, and I don't really like letting Boodge latch on in mixed company. 

I just read something in Mothering Magazine that struck a chord.  Peggy O'Mara was writing about the necessity of making informed choices about what we feel is right for our families which are not based on changing trends or customs or media campaigns.  "We are left then with just a few constants; our observations of our child, our trust in ourselves, consultations with experts, the scientific evidence, and our own common sense.  These things are enough.  And it helps if we're already comfortable with being part of a minority."

When I look at these things, I know my choice is right. My knowledge of Boodge told me he wasn't ready to give up nursing, and I felt that if I weaned him during my pregnancy, he would not forget the "boo" and it would be hard for him to see a new baby nursing.  Breastfeeding, as I've mentioned before, is about so much more than nourishment--and for Boodge and I it really has been a strong source of connection, nurturing, and love.  I thought that weaning for the new baby would be difficult for his relationship with me, and could create jealousy with his new sibling.  Nursing them both would send the message to Boodge that though he had to share my love, there was plenty of it to go around.

The benefits of extended breastfeeding are well recognized, so there was no question of whether it went against science or expert opinion. And my common sense tells me that if some people find it weird, that is their discomfort to deal with, not mine.  But unfortunately, I am not generally "comfortable being part of a minority". I'd like to be, because a lot of my views and lifestyle choices go against the mainstream, and I admire the men and women who are comfortable loudly challenging the status quo.  And I ally with those men and women who have always had no choice but to be part of a visible minority, and who have faced the discrimination and judgement.

But though I will speak up when I perceive an injustice or oppression, I don't enjoy debate about my opinions, and especially not my personal choices.  How I choose to live is based on what I feel right in my soul, and is usually deeply thought out and deeply personal.  When people challenge that, I  usually get too defensive.  But I believe in "live and let live", and I really try to accept and love people as they are.  I like to get that treatment in return. 

One thing parenting has pushed me to do is be more open about the ways in which I am not with the mainstream.  I can't allow other people's judgments and opinions to stop me from parenting according to my heart and my values, and I also need to demonstrate to my children that it is OK to be who you are, and the people who truly love you will accept that.  And it's been wonderful to discover that being who I am, openly, creates much more honest relationships and opens the door to new connections and interesting conversations, when others are open too.  Which it turns out, people often are.  And if they're not, well, I've learned something valuable about how deep I want to go with that connection.

I'm grateful to the parents who have shared their experiences and the judgments they faced for their parenting choices, and helped open my mind to the vast terrain that parenting is.  I'm sure this has happened to almost every loving, devoted parent, no matter what their choices.  And it helps to find others who are going through something similar.  Which is why I wanted to "out" myself as a tandem nurser.  Yes, I nurse 2 babies who are 2.5 years apart. And it's sweet and lovely and empowering and also challenging and annoying. This post really was meant to be a preamble to talk about what I've learned about tandem nursing, and how to make it work, in an effort to reach out to other mothers who are thinking about it or doing it.  But that is a post for another day, in another blessed moment like this one when both babies have nursed to sleep at the same time, one in each of my arms, and both are now sleeping while Mama gets time to reflect.