Powerful Words

I recently had one of those experiences lots of parents have where someone took a look at my baby, and based on a very small particularity she has, predicted a future problem in her life, unless we did something now.  It was truly meant to be helpful information, and came from the best of intentions. But as Sean and I discovered, it was one of those things that many people believe very much, but isn't really backed up by anything.  So it mostly created unnecessary worry and stress for us, time spent investigating and talking about it and dismissing and then talking about it again.  Now we have tried to just put it out of our minds. But we've both admitted that now, when we look at that little particularity, instead of thinking, "Oh, look at the cute little way she does that," we are thinking. "Problem?"

The same sort of thing happened when my midwife, at Peanut's 6-week old, final appointment, suggested that Peanut was just a little too small (a couple ounces under the 'normal curve') and I needed to make sure she gained an ounce a day, average.  "Just squeeze your breast when you're nursing. Take her in to be weighed every week. It will be fine."  Even though my common sense and all my friends and family also said Peanut was fine, I became hyper-aware of how much she ate and spit-up.  When she refused to nurse, instead of rejoicing that I had a baby who would actually say no to nursing (unlike her brother), I worried, and annoyed her by offering too often.  Whenever a stranger said, "Oh, she's so tiny!", instead of rejoicing in my little teeny baby, I worried, and wondered if she looked small.  One man in the drugstore actually asked me to repeat her age (9 weeks at the time), and asked me, "Is she OK? She seems so slight." This based on seeing the half-moon of her face peeking out of winter clothing.

Parents worry so much about whether what we do or don't do is going to unknowingly harm our children. There is so much conflicting information, so much opinion, so many voices suggesting we are missing something important. Paying attention to all that noise can make you crazy, but you don't want to ignore it completely either, because, well...what if you are missing something? What if there is something you could or should do, and it would make a huge difference?  But what if we can't do anything at all, but now we know our child is on a potential collision course? We parents, among other things, we juggle our feelings of powerlessness and empowerment endlessly.

When I told D and my cousin N about the latest incident they commented on how powerful words are, how much they can affect us, our actions, our choices.  We make sense of our world through words--they shape our reality.  We shape each other's reality, through conversation.  We plant seeds in each other's minds and they feed them and grow thoughts that can be flowers and fruit, or thorny weeds.  I know I sometime give too much energy to the weed-words, and let them grow too big.  My husband is better at not doing this--he just says "that's such bullshit" and moves on.  But I wonder sometimes--am I missing something?

There are so many controversial an uncertain issues in parenting: birthing options, vaccines, cry-it-out, formula or breast, crib or mommy's bed, strong or gentle discipline, activities or free time, accupuncture or antibiotics?  So many things we just can't know, other things we just can't do.  And I have opinions and thoughts about those things that I'm happy to share in conversation with a friend, but I find I'm often hesitant to put my words out there lest they create weeds in some poor parent's head.  Or lest I get back in comments, weed seeds for myself.  Though I have to say, you readers usually choose words that only uplift me. Thank you. 

On the web people throw around words like "child-abuse", "permanent damage", "disservice to your child", "disadvantage",  "endangering", "irresponsible," "cruel", "spoiling", words we would not likely say to the face of a parent.  I cringe when I read those words, thinking how they may hurt this friend who tried "cry-it-out" or that one who sleeps with her baby (like me).  I try not to write anything here I wouldn't want to say to the face of one of my friends.  I try to choose my words to be truly helpful, and not speak about something I don't know enough about.  Which is almost anything except my own experience. 

While I was musing on the power of words I remembered another time when words had a profound effect on me.  It was my wedding day, and my cousin's friend, J, had offered to give me a massage that morning.  I was all nerves and details, brimming with emotions, tired from a sleepless night, wondering how it was all going to go.  Not in the peaceful space I wanted to be in for my wedding day.  J. said, after listening to me worry, "It is going to be more beautiful than you can even imagine."  Those words somehow stopped all the worrying I was doing.  I held on to them.  I believed them, I trusted that J. was seeing something I was missing.  And as it turned out my wedding day was exactly what she said--more beautiful than I had ever imagined.  I have always been grateful that J. spoke those words that morning.

Something to think about.  When we as parents engage in those conversations about what if, maybe this, what should I do, is something wrong here?  When we feel we need to express concern, how can we help each other see through the weeds, to the fruit and flowers?  And how often do we say something like J said to me, when we hear a friend worrying over their child, and their parenting.
Your child is just right.  
S/he is absolutely going to be OK.  Not just OK, but incredible. 
You are not missing anything.
You are making the right choices for your child, trust yourself.
Your child is more beautiful than you are even able to imagine. 
How powerful those words could be.