The Tao of Potty Training

A couple of months before Boodge turned 2, I started thinking about potty training. How does one begin? What does one do? Some of the parents from our prenatal class group were reporting that their little ones were starting to have potty success. Should I be pushing it along more, I wondered? Put the potty in the living room? Sit him on it in the morning? My mommy-mentor happened to come for a visit, so I asked her, "What's the best way to start?"

"The best thing for you to do right now," she replied, "would be to just not think about potty training. Because if you start thinking about it now, you'll be doing it for the next year and a half. And you don't want to do that. If you wait a little while till he's more ready, you'll be doing it for less time."

This was good advice, I felt, that appealed to both my general parenting philosophy and my lazy side. On one hand, I truly do believe that children will naturally move towards the next step of independence when they are ready, if they are provided with a secure environment to try things and some gentle, non-pressuring encouragement and information. And on the other, complementary hand, I'm not inclined to struggle towards change with Boodge much. I've never sleep-trained and I haven't weaned (except for nights). Those things felt right for me but also, whenever I thought I may want to do those things, the thought of the month or two of pain that it would take was enough of a deterrent. I'd rather wait things out if I'm pretty sure they will happen on their own. And I'm pretty sure Boodge will be sleeping through the night and not nursing by the time he goes to university. Maybe even before.

I'm coming to think of this as the wu-wei of parenting. "Wu-wei" is one of the central principles in Taoism, and means "without action", "natural action" or "effortless doing". It sounds better than laziness. It's a practice of understanding when to act, and when not to, so that we can better move with the natural flow of things. A couple of times now, we've been caught by surprise when we've been thinking about "doing" something with Boodge but haven't actually taken any action yet. I'm beginning to think maybe the best thing to do, often, is nothing.

The first time was when we moved and could finally give him his own bedroom. He'd been sharing our bed until then, and I wasn't sure how to approach the transition. We'd set up his bedroom, and told him it would be his one day, but we had a steady stream of guests so I hadn't had a chance to put him in there. Eventually, the guests dwindled, and we started doing his naps in there--he has always done those alone anyway. But how to break it to him that bed sharing with us was over? Turned out, it wasn't necessary. One day, he just said he wanted to sleep in his bedroom, and he really hasn't turned back since then. Wu HOO!.

Potty training is turning out to be much the same. After my friend's advice, I sort of let it go. I had already ordered him a book called "Diapers Are Not Forever" which a friend had found helpful. So we read that a few times. I told him often about the potty, and how he would use it one day when he was ready, and pointed it out to him. I let him watch me go--I mean, what choice did I have anyway? And one day, he just said he wanted to pee in the potty.

Since then, he's been steadily progressing, with some regressing. Over the last 2-3 months, he's gotten to the point where he doesn't pee in his diaper during the day at all, unless he's super-excited and distracted by activity--and even then, he usually makes it to the potty with a few drips on the way. Oh, and there was the other day, when we were running inside to the potty and he got sidetracked by the garden shears. (Don't freak out Mom!) I let him use them under close supervision, and he started cutting flowers off the hydrangea. He was so focused on what he was doing and so not wanting to give up the once-in-his-lifetime that I didn't take those shears away, that he looked at me and said, "I'm gonna pee in my diaper" and then spread 'em and went for it.

For a long time, he didn't poo in the potty though. Then, when my mom was visiting, he did it for the first time. It was aperitif time and Mom was pretty exuberant, and so was I, and eventually Sean and Papa Toad (my step-father, Claude, to us, but to Boodge...) also filed into the bathroom, and we all made such a huge deal about it that he didn't try that again for almost a month.

But during that time, he went a whole week without peeing at night! I thought (naively) we were truly on our way to fully pee-trained. Now this last 2 weeks, he's pooed in the potty for every single poo...but he's peeing at night again, and sometimes in his diaper during nap time. He's also pulling his 2 year old contrarian act sometimes, saying "I need to pee in the potty," and then refusing to let me take off his pants. Yesterday, he did that while wearing underwear, and then peed his pants. I admit, I got in a snit and snapped at him, even though I've heard that shaming or chastising your kids for making a potty mistake is the worst thing you can do. It felt natural--wu wei. Ha ha. But I did regain control and realize that he may have just wanted to see what happens if he pees in his underwear. He didn't seem to like it much. So...wu wei.

I'm just riding it out. Before this week, he often asked me to put his diaper on if he was naked and needed to poo. Instead of trying to convince him to go on the potty, I just did what he asked. Wu-wei. I only put him on the potty when he says he needs to go, or if he's agreeable to going before we go out (which he often isn't, so...wu wei). If he says he needs to poo, but then gets tired of waiting, I let him get down from the potty. Sometimes he runs back in there 5 times until the right moment. That's about knowing when to act and when not to. Besides, the lazy side of me doesn't really want to sit in the bathroom waiting when I could be doing something else.

Now, I'm not suggesting that I'm some sort of Taoist parenting guru. There's lots of examples of times when I try to micro-manage my family and force things into a certain shape. I didn't earn the nickname "micro" from my husband for nothing. But sometimes, the wu-wei matches up to my lazy nature and my preference for doing what feels natural, and it's a win-win. And it's teaching me that maybe I should just let go that way in the rest of my life sometimes, and trust that nature will take the right course with a few strategic actions on my part that go with the flow.

I realize we're lucky with Boodge, he seems to be motivated to make steps forward. Maybe Peanut will be different, or will not be ready until s/he is much older. But we're so happy that what we had heard was a difficult and messy struggle has been, for us, really, really easy. (So far. Knock on wood. Universe, please don't smite me.) So next time you feel yourself forcing something to happen, try the wu-wei. Parenting is just a little bit easier when you can learn to swim with the current.

The Night Shift

Hard to believe, but it was 3 months ago that I wrote a post about having a giant freak out one night, and how we were planning to make the transition to Sean putting the Boodge to sleep and handling night wakings. Hard to believe because we just made that transition this week! I think that my meltdown three months ago had more to do with being in my first trimester and on the heels of a move, life transition, and string of visitors. Once I knew that the transition was going to happen, I felt better and the urgency of it seemed to dissipate.

Now, I know baby and toddler sleep is a hotly debated issue in the parenting world. There are lots of accusations that go both ways, from saying that parents that let their children "cry it out" are heartless or child abusers, to saying that parents that co-sleep and comfort their children to sleep are endangering their children (check out this horrific ad campaign in Indiana and Fox news report if you don't believe me) or at least spineless parents, dooming their kids to a life of dependence and over-attachment, while simultaneously ruining their marriage.

I find it all a little much. While I have my opinions on how to raise my child, I think they're best limited to how I raise my child. They come from who I am and what feels right in my heart and mind. All good parents make tremendous sacrifices for their children, and all good parents also find that there are certain difficult choices they have to make about what not to sacrifice, for their own sanity and ability to parent the best they can.

For me, the decision not to let Ardan "cry it out" was based on the same simple logic as my decision that I don't want to spank him. I would never hit someone else I love, so why would I hit the vulnerable, powerless child I have been given the blessing of raising? Similarly, I would never let someone else I love cry alone when they're asking for the comfort of another person. So I wouldn't feel right doing that to my vulnerable child either. Sometimes, of course, I have the urge to leave him crying in his room, and I'm sure I'll sometimes have the urge to spank him. But it helps a lot to be clear about what I think is right.

My only wish in this area are that parents could listen to each other and try to understand, and support each other. I think often, we feel the need to justify the decisions we have made as parents by pressuring others to do the same or shaming them for what they are doing. Every family, every child, is so different, and the choices we can make about what we can do and what we can't have to be suited to that child and family. Let's not judge each other or ourselves, let's just listen, and try to understand the unique people and situation before us. We simply can't always be everything we ideally thought we could before we faced the reality of parenting. But is your kid happy and thriving? Are you? Good. Then you're probably doing a good enough job.

I have had my ins and outs with my choices of co-sleeping and not letting the Boodge "cry-it-out". Some weeks, I've felt really frustrated, even angry, as I lay there, waiting for him to fall asleep, or woke up for the umpteenth time to help him get back to sleep, or woke up to him jamming his head into my back while he kicked his dad in the stomach, somehow managing to take up 2/3 of a king sized bed.

Mostly, though, what I remember is how sweet it's all been. How lovely to wake up to his smiling face in the morning, his baby bed-head and his sleepy eyes. How my heart swells when he says "Mommy, hold you!" and nestles under my arm at night, drifting happily back to sleep. How grateful I have been to be next to him when he was an infant, or when he has a fever or some illness, so I know he is OK all night. How I love to inhale his scent, stare at his angelic face, hear his soft breathing at night, cuddle his little body. My amazing son. It has been an amazing bond, sleeping with the Boo, being there for him at night. Though I understand it's not for all parents, I am glad it was for me. I will cherish those memories.

So I guess that may be why it took 3 months for me to hand over the sleep reins. Leading up to the transition, I really got the blues. I was weepy, and on the one, rare date Sean and I got when my mom was visiting, I cried a lot about letting go of my Boo. To my valiantly-trying-to-understand husband, I wept, "The older he gets, the closer you and he are going to get to become. But the older he gets, the more I have to let him go! I'll never be as intimate with him as I have been these last two years." It's not that I don't want to let him grow up in some kind of creepy way. I do. Even though it is healthy and right, it hurts me to know that this precious baby-time with him is drawing to a close.

But my reasons for having to do it were clear. With my big pregnant body, I just couldn't get comfortable with a little cherub nestled under my arm or taking up half of his double bed (where we now co-sleep about half the night, after his first and usually only night waking). But more importantly I knew that I couldn't attend to two kids in separate rooms in the night, and I didn't want Boodge to associate my nighttime absence with Peanut's arrival. Plus, I want him to bond more with his daddy in anticipation of losing some of my attentions soon.

But it was hard to think he may cry for me at night and I would not be able to answer him, even though I am so lucky to have a husband who was willing to go in and be the comfort/co-sleeper nighttime guy. My amazing mommy-mentor (one day, I'll write a whole post revering that amazing woman!) helped me with my anxiety by listening, and sharing some of her own experiences where she had to accept that her child had to cry and miss her but she knew it was best for him and a necessary step given the circumstances. She also explained to me how, when a child gets to be 2 and 3 and so on, the way they need you as a parent becomes different. This is when you truly become a "parent" rather than a nurturer. You are more often in a position of having to make choices and set limits they won't like, but you know are the best thing. It really helped to hear that. I realized that I am in transition as a parent as well, and that is part of why this is hard for me.

We started the sleep shift months ago by first having Sean lay with us while I nursed Boo to sleep, so Boo could get used to his presence. Then we changed to nursing before bed in the "big brown chair", Sean and I reading 3 books to him, and laying with him while he fell asleep with no nursing. Then Sean had to travel those 3 weeks, so we decided to wait until he returned to start the transition. While he was gone, I kind of let go of the books in bed thing and just let Boodge fall asleep on my boob in the big brown chair every night, then carried him to his bed. It was so much faster and easier. So when it came time to make the big change, I suggested that rather than Sean putting him to bed AND going in at night, I would continue to nurse him in the chair to sleep, so the only change for now will be who comforts him at night. I plan to tandem nurse my kids, (oh yes! a post about that will come) so I can probably even handle continuing that when Peanut comes. But also, he knows how to go to sleep with someone else, without nursing, if necessary.

It has been almost a week and it's been going really well. Boo has never cried for more than 5 minutes, and always in his Daddy's arms. It was hard the first couple of nights to hear him saying "I want Mommy to come, I want to go see Mommy." But now it is easier. And last night, he woke up and actually said "I want Daddy." I can already see that he's feeling more bonded to his Dad, and Sean is also really enjoying the sweet cuddles at night. For three nights now, he has slept from bedtime till 5am, and for the last two nights he's gone back to sleep with Sean after that 5am wake up, and woken up at 8!!

This week, Sean is on vacation, so I've let him go back to bed in the morning and had some sweet morning nursing time with Boo when he wakes up. He's not more clingy or testing or anything during the day--he seems just fine. I am even more happy to see his face in the morning, and I feel way less grudging about waking up because I have had a chance to miss him all night long.

So here we are. Sean goes back to work tomorrow, and we have yet to see how he will manage night waking with his ridiculous meetings 'till midnight and starting again at 7am schedule. On our date, mindful of this, he grilled me a bit on my sleep philosophy, and how long I think we are going to sleep with our kids. I believe, and I've http://boodgie.blogspot.com/2010/05/so-pouda-you-boodgie-thats-what-he-says.html, that when a child is ready and safely encouraged, they will naturally move towards independence. And maybe Boodge is even ready for it now, and it's me that's not. But I figure within the year, he'll be able to understand that big kids sleep without their parents, most nights, and we can encourage him to do that too. And when he's ready, he'll do it.

Still, if Sean is in charge of nights, and he finds he needs to make a change, I am not in a position to say no, necessarily. I'm glad Sean was willing to hear me when I told him that if we do make further changes, I want them to be gentle and loving. And if the changes we make are not working for Boo, which I trust we'll know, we look for another way. In the words of Peggy O'Mara: "My dear loved son/Born with parts asunder/Whatever is comfortable with you/I will choose it too."

So Pouda You, Boodgie (that's what he says)

Any of you who have been following this blog thus far have probably surmised that our parenting style leans heavily in the direction of what is often called "Attachment Parenting" (that, or you just know us, since most of you do!). I don't usually subscribe to strict philosophies or take on labels, I prefer to think for myself, and so does Sean. But I found that the more I learned and read about attachment-style parenting, the more it seemed to fit with who I am, what I've learned as a psychologist, and how I wanted to be as a parent--sensitive to and respectful my child's needs, emotionally available, and very, very close to him. I also wanted to nurse him a long time, found wearing him to be way more comfy and convenient than a stroller and, although at first I was mixed about it, I have come to love sharing our bed with him, as has my husband. So I guess that makes me an attachment parent, though I prefer to think of it as doing what feels natural.

There is a lot of criticism and outright hostility for this type of parenting. I guess it has something to do with it not being quite mainstream, which makes people feel more comfortable questioning it. Our parent's generation has simply not seen this type of parenting, so if they are open to hearing it, I try to simply explain my beliefs. And I think I should also acknowledge that there is lots of criticism and judgement that goes the other way, from attachment parents to those who practice more mainstream methods like sleep training, early weaning, formula feeding, etc. Just get on almost any parenting forum and watch the fur fly.

I'm not here to get on a soapbox, nor am I here to judge other parents who do differently than we do. Everyone tries to do what they think is right for their family and child, using the knowledge and resources they have at the time. And I hope that readers of this blog will return the favor by not judging me. Even better, I hope that some people will read about our experiences and take away a kernel of something they can use, or feel validated in their own parenting style.

One of the big things critics seem to believe about attachment parenting is that it somehow fosters an unhealthy dependence in the child. Lots of people raise eyebrows about my still nursing, laying with him until he falls asleep, and sleeping in the same bed with him. I am constantly asked when I am going to stop doing these things, or told I should stop soon, and have even had people say outright that it is unhealthy for the Boodge. I don't put much stock in that stuff. I look at the Boodge, his almost perma-grin, his exuberant love of life, his healthy body and boundless energy, and I know he is healthy.

On the contrary, one of the things attachment parenting emphasizes, and I believe, is that children (all of us, actually) given the right conditions of security and trust, move naturally in the direction of independence and growth, in their own time, as they become ready. As parents, we should introduce new ideas, encourage independent behaviors, and set boundaries--but we should also listen to our child's voice about whether they are ready to move forward or even comprehend what we want them to do.

Our culture, with its emphasis on independence rather than interdependence, self rather than community, and competition rather than co-operation, puts a lot of pressure on parents to move their kids towards independence as quickly as possible. And even if the parent may be feeling wrong about what they're doing, they may continue because grandpa, doctor, TV, and parenting magazines are telling them to keep it up.

Attachment parenting urges us to trust our intuition as parents, and do what feels right. The idea is that by fostering such a close attachment to your child, you will know them well enough to know when they are ready for some gentle urging forward, or when they need to take a step back to feel secure again. Also, if you as a mother are resenting something or unable to cope, that is a clear sign that you need to make a change too. Following your intuition and trusting your child to move at their own pace towards growth and change are two things I can totally get behind. It requires a lot of surrendering to what is--but that seems to be a healthy practice too.

So, all this to say that in the last week or so, the Boodge has suddenly made some big leaps towards growth, pretty much all on his own. As you all know, I've been night weaning him lately, which was part of three goals we had with him before the baby came. I wanted to stop night nursing, have his dad be able to put him to bed, and move him to his own room. The night weaning has been complete for a while now, and he seems fine with it, though he still likes to touch the "boo" to help him get back to sleep. It didn't seem too hard on him, and if it had been I would have probably stopped and waited a while longer.

The next step was to get his dad putting him to bed, and after that we would take our time transitioning him to his own bed. So this week we started a gentle transition, where I would still nurse him to sleep but Sean was there too so he could get used to his Dad's presence at bedtime. Then Wednesday night, as we're on our way to the bedroom, he suddenly turns left instead of right and says "Go night-night boo in Boodge's geen bayoom." (that's boob in the green bedroom, to the uninitiated). He wanted to sleep in his own room! OK, we said, no problem. The next night, same thing.

Yesterday we began phase two of the transition. I explained to him all day that tonight, we were going to "Boo" in the chair before bedtime, then we were going to read some books in bed with Daddy, then lie down and go to sleep without boo. Bedtime came and we did as planned. He led us to his own bedroom, again. He loved reading the books--I could see it all over his face, and in the way he cuddled in between us while we read with a beatific smile on his face.

When we had finished 3 books and I said it was time to lie down, close our eyes, and go to sleep, he started to cry. And folks, it wasn't because he couldn't have boo. "Pease Mami, more books," he begged, signing "Please" with fervor, knowing I like to be asked this way. I gently told him that we were done books, and it was time to lie down and close our eyes and go to sleep. And guess what? He did! He reached out, grabbed the boo with his hand, and commenced falling asleep. Just like that.

We gave him some chocolate in the morning to celebrate. Unfortunately, he didn't seem to get much in his mouth.



And there's more! This week he also suddenly got into the idea of peeing in his potty. He started asking for it when his diaper was off, even once when his diaper was on. Some days he has had 5 or 6 pees in the potty. He loves to grab his little toilet ring and run from bathroom to bathroom putting it on the toilet, and sit and watch his pee come out. He hasn't pooed yet (except once when he was already in the process of pooing and I urgently placed him on the potty). One time when he wanted to poo, I asked him if he wanted to poo on the potty and he started to cry and said "Put diaper on an poo ina diaper." So I honoured that. Who among us can squeeze one out in the wrong circumstances?



It's all got Sean and I just about exploding with pride and love and amazement at our little guy. There's also a part of me that's grieving, knowing that these changes mean he is growing up and will need me less. I will miss climbing into bed and seeing his sweetly sleeping little body there, feeling him roll up for a cuddle in the night. I'll miss putting him to bed too, though I think that once he's comfortable with Sean doing it, I'll get back in there often myself. This time, when he's so little and dependent on me, is so precious and beautiful. It's hard at times--I can't pretend it's not. But I can already see that it's going to be too short, and I'll look back on it with fondness and remember the bliss more than the pain.

So there it is, it seems to be true. Children do move naturally towards independence and growth in their own time, given the right conditions. Boodge might backstep (like yesterday, when I had him wrapped in a bear hug in a blanket and he informed me with a big smile that he was having a pee pee in the blanket), and that's OK. We've got time. But I'm so excited to see him growing, and taking the initiative to try new things. I'm so pleased that it has all happened gently for him and for us as a family, without power struggles and nights of misery and second-guessing. And yes, I'm also thankful for those "attachment" parents out there who follow their gut and brave the judgements to share their voices and experiences. Without them I may not have found this way as a parent, or if I did, I certainly may not have felt the support and community needed to continue.