How I Be

Hi, everyone. I miss you.  I really do.  If you're still reading here, despite my relative absence from this space, thank you. I'm getting this blessed moment in bed in the afternoon with no kids around, so I thought I'd take a moment to catch up with A Mama Being. Then I can at least register two posts in November. Whooopeee!!

Where have I been? I've allowed myself to take a break from A Mama Being, because my energy is just not in it lately. Maybe it's the winter setting in. I read recently that humans have a part of them that still wants to hibernate when the weather turns cold. I can relate.  I want to bake, bundle up, drink tea, and at the end of the day before I sleep, let someone else's creations fill my mind, rather than use my tired brain to put words together in a way worth publishing. But there's more to it, because though I think of topics to blog about and have even composed almost full posts, I'm just not hitting publish these days. I'm feeling private. And I'm not sure where A Mama Being is going from here.

Something has changed. Three and a half years in, I feel like I am fully inhabiting the space of Mother. I'm not transitioning anymore. I'm not figuring out who I am as a mum, or how to do it (as much as anyone else, that is) with the same intensity. I've come into some sort of stride here, settled in for the marathon that is parenting, pacing myself accordingly.

Now  I can wheel two screaming, sobbing children through the produce section and find humour in the situation, even if the people around me can't.  I don't worry about what the people around me are thinking so much. I don't spend evenings reading advice on parenting, because half the time it makes me feel like I'm not doing this or that well enough.  When in fact, I am. More and more I'm just going with what I know about myself and my kids, trusting my own insight. And when the shit hits (and it does pretty much daily), I seem to be able to let it go more easily, and forgive myself and my kids quickly. The rest of the time, things are feeling pretty harmonious.

Since Peanut was born I've been practicing letting go of my high expectations for myself and others and focusing on how things are really, really good just as they are.  I'm not trying to force things into an image I've created as much as I used to.  I've been letting be, and leaving well enough alone.  It's working for me. So when I stopped feeling like blogging, I let that be, too. I'm thinking a lot about what my return to work will look like, but I'm in absolutely no hurry to get there.  I'm enjoying raising my kids, my family doesn't need a second income right now, so I'm leaving well enough alone. 

I wonder if I'll get back the interest I used to have in my blog. I wonder if I'll get back the interest I used to have in my work. But I'm not worried.  I'm pretty sure that life will show me where to go next, or some new challenge will arise. I don't feel like questioning things and picking them apart. And I certainly don't feel like creating any angst where there is none.

Maybe I should have called this blog "A Mama Becoming". Because when I started it, that's what I was. Now, only, do I feel like a full-fledged, lightly seasoned, Mama, being.  I read this beautiful blog post some time ago.  The writer, Ekere, talks about how when we become mothers, the person we were before dies.  For a time we are lost in the tumble of babies, sleeplessness, feedings, cleanings, survival for ourselves and our small charges. And then we are reborn, but we don't know ourselves anymore, and we have to find out who the new self is.  I felt as if she wrote straight from my heart.  I have felt, lately, like I am re-emerging.  But as what?  Those new shoots are too tender to share here, right now.  They are too tender to poke at. I'll just let them grow.

So most likely, there is still lots of life in this blog, but I'm not sure what that will look like. I'm not looking for an international following (though that would be nice if it could make me money), I'm not here to advocate for certain parenting choices. I'm not trying to keep an online journal.  I'm not interested in debating and criticizing each other in my comments section.  I'm just looking to connect with all of you out there on this life and family journey who want to connect.  I want to know I'm not alone and I want you all to know that too.  And I want to document some of the amazing, surreal, hilarious and confusing moments in my life as my family grows along.

For all of you that want to share these words with me, thank you. And those of you that take the time to tell me in comments and in person that you got something out of what I wrote, you are the reason I still want to come here and see what happens next.  I am so inspired by the community that a little blog can create.  So I'll be back, but I hope you don't mind just letting things be with me for a while. It's winter, anyway. Let's just relax, shall we, and see what emerges?