Enter the Peanut

I just got back from my 2nd appointment with my midwife. As seems usual with midwifery appointments, it was a warm and welcoming experience with a lovely, friendly, intelligent woman. I love the midwifery model of care, and couldn't imagine going any other way for the monumental occasion of bringing a new life into our family and the world. It's important to me that when I see my care provider, they offer me lots of time, invite me to talk about my pregnancy and birth on an emotional, spiritual, and physical level, and present me with options but don't tell me what to do. And what's better, I checked out totally healthy so far, and got to hear the wonderful whoosh whoosh whoosh of Peanut's heart beating away. I look forward to that sound every time, just to know s/he's in there, alive and well.

It was also nice to be able to talk about some of the choices I am struggling with around whether to wean the Boodge or tandem nurse my babies, and to have her share with me how beautiful her experience was tandem nursing her daughters. It's so hard to find people who even nurse to two years, let alone even consider nursing 2 babies, that it's an immense relief to be with someone who actually validates the idea rather than look at me like I'm a total kook. Honestly, I didn't think that I would consider tandem nursing myself, but now that I'm here with a babe who loves to nurse and another on the way, it seems to make sense.

This pregnancy is so different from the last. The physical differences are minor. I'm still a lucky one--no morning sickness (don't hate me) and generally great health and energy (after the first trimester). But mentally, there's no comparison. With Boodge, the pregnancy was always there like a little gem in the back of my mind, one I rolled around and watched sparkle in different lights. Also, there was lots of fear of things like miscarriage or whether the baby would be born healthy and alive. I spent hours reading about pregnancy and birth, I talked to him and sang to him in utero, I rubbed oils and creams on my belly and took pictures of it as it grew.

This time, sorry little Peanut, I think more about Boodge than I do about the baby inside me. The reality of my day is that Boodge is there in front of me, grabbing the eggs out of the fridge or running for the potty or pushing his chair over to the hot stove to climb up. I have to think about him in the moment, and I can only think about Peanut in stolen moments--just before sleep, or at stoplights. But I also think about him in relation to the arrival of Peanut. How will he adjust? How can I make it easiest for him. What will help him welcome and not resent the new baby? Will he be OK during our time away birthing the baby? What will I do about nursing?

We're already making some changes to Boodge's life in anticipation of Peanut. The night weaning was the first one. This week, he will give up his last "boo" in the bed, the nursing he does in order to fall asleep. Sean is taking over bedtime. This was partly precipitated by my meltdown a couple of weeks ago, but it's also been part of the preparation plan for Peanut's arrival. I can't be sure that I can lie down with Boodge for half an hour every night and nap and nurse him to sleep, especially if I'm listening to Peanut scream that infant scream in another room. And I don't want to discover I can't do it after Peanut is born, and have to make that dramatic change to Boodge's life when so much other change is also happening. Plus, we want to encourage bonding with his Dad now, since his Dad will have to take over certain tasks, like waking up with Boodge in the night.

It feels right, but also sad. I guess it's a precursor to how it will feel to have 2 children--torn trying to meet the needs of both. I am looking forward to Peanut, but I'm sad about how it may affect my bond with the Boodge. I love that little guy like crazy. I love being able to sit and nurse him in a leisurely way, take him outside to play for hours, accept his rations of hugs and cuddles whenever he's willing to offer them. I am sad to know our bond will change. But I'm happy to know that he will bond more deeply with his dad, and eventually, with Peanut too. I'm trying to focus on the ways that the love in his life, and our family's life, will expand, even if it is changing.

I'll take the new free time at bedtime to go for an evening walk with Peanut. S/he deserves a little Mama time too, as well as a Mama who gets some exercise and will actually have the stamina to birth him or her. And I'll give Boodge extra loving through this tricky transition, and listen to what he is telling me about how it's going for him. I'm learning to be a Mama of two. We're learning to be a family of four. Peanut, little as you are, you are squeaking in there and making your mark. And we welcome you.