The Second Time Around

The other day my husband remarked that he had just realized how checked out he's been this entire pregnancy. Yes, he tends to be painfully blunt like that. Luckily, I can take it. And anyway, it wasn't news to me--aside from the stressful period after we got our triple screen results, both of us have sailed through this pregnancy without noticing it too much.

I'm a lucky one when it comes to pregnancy. With both of them, I've only experienced the fatigue of the first trimester, with practically no nausea. After that, with Boodge, I've had virtually no discomfort except some heartburn and swelling near the very end. This one is proving to be somewhat the same, so it's been easy to not notice it until now, when I'm starting to feel heavy and the 10 week countdown to giving birth has arrived.

Some things are different, though. I am feeling a bit more tired than I remember last time, which is probably the result of having a much more physical job that demands longer hours. I'm on my feet much of the day now, and getting up and down off the floor, often carrying the 20 extra pounds of baby weight and a 28 pound toddler many, many times a day. I'm also doing a lot more bending to pick up things--the toddler, and all the toys, brooms, spoons, magnets, blankets, pillows, balls, shoes, food and other paraphernalia that he likes to distribute around the house. And whereas last time I spent lots of time sitting on my birth ball or leaning over it making sure the baby was in proper position, this time, whenever I get on it I'm immediately assaulted with "I wanna get on the ball! I wanna bounce with Mommy!" Instead, I lean over Boodge's tricycle, pushing him up and down the street--it probably has the same effect.

I feel vaguely guilty that Peanut isn't getting the same attention in utero that Boodge got--singing, anointing with oils and creams, regular one-sided conversation from Mommy. As a second child myself, I remember not understanding why my brother had a dedicated photo album of the first two years of his life, while I had barely a picture of myself alone as a baby. It can feel a little like you were less loved as as a baby, though I know that's not the case. Now, of course, I understand. The first child gets that amazing gift of one-on-one attention from parents, while the second one is always part of a balancing act, and will never experience that kind of undivided care.

I assumed I would make the extra effort to make sure that the second child got the same as the first. But I realize now that it's just not possible, and that it's OK, too. One of the things that I always felt I wasn't adequately giving to Boodge was the ability to be around other little people often enough. From the time he was very small, I could see that he loved spending time with other kids. It must be strange being the only small one most of the time, and though I try to make sure he gets playtime with others at least a couple of times a week, maybe that's been one of the disadvantages for him of being the first child of a stay-at-home mom.

But though Peanut may never experience my undivided attention like Boodge did, s/he will also never feel like the only little person in the house. Peanut will always have a playmate, a mentor, a person who exists closer to his or her level mentally and physically. S/he may not have me at her beck and call, but s/he will have the additional attention of his or her brother, and that is a different kind of special that Boodge didn't have. So it's OK to be second, it's just that the advantages are different.

I already notice some amazing things going on. Sometimes, when Boodge is particularly beside himself with over-tiredness and screaming his head off, Peanut starts kicking a drum-roll in my tummy. I'm not sure if it's to say "shut-up out there" or "hey, somebody help my big brother". But I sure do feel like s/he is connecting to Boodge from in the womb. In fact, Peanut will probably recognize Boodge's voice better than s/he recognizes his father's, because he is always around chattering non-stop, and often right at tummy level.

Here's Boodge riding Peanut


Another funny thing is that usually as soon as Boodge falls asleep, Peanut starts kicking. This isn't encouraging if I'm considering my chances of having downtime when there are two babies, but it's interesting--as if Peanut is saying, "OK, now it' MY time!"

I can't wait to see their sibling relationship develop. I know it will be a year or so before it becomes truly interactive, but I'm looking forward to the sweet moments between them, and to them entertaining each other as they get older. I'm also hoping that I can handle the rivalry that is sure to happen well, so that it enhances rather than divides the relationship.

I know that like so much in parenting, I can't control how they get along--it depends so much on who they each are and how their lives develop. But I'd love for them to have each other to count on through this life as they grow and after Sean and I are gone. There's nothing like having that one person who understands the bizarre dynamics of your particular family, and I'm hoping to somehow help rather than hinder them in becoming close.

If any of you parents out there have done something that you think has helped your siblings get along, please feel free to share it with me. I'm looking for any help I can get!