This Year, I Resolve To Be Imperfect.

Happy New Year everyone!  It's been so long since I published anything, I hope some of you are still out there.  Somewhere before Christmas we lost all ability to have a minute of free time.  And I'm not sure it's come back, but I have one blessed moment right now where both kids are napping simultaneously and nobody wants to be in my arms. I know, this too shall pass, but it is here and...wow. It's hard to come to terms with the feeling that there are always five to ten other things I could or should be doing at any given moment, from the minute I open my eyes to the minute I close them every day.

Around Christmas, with all the stress that was going on, I hit the wall and really struggled to stay positive.  I wondered if I was having a bit of post-partum depression.  But I'm hesitant to use the label, depression, for something I think is actually a normal part of life as a human.  We had a lot of changes happen at once.  It's hard, and for me, it requires an emotional process.  Change involves letting go, and though the changes may be for the best, or beyond our control, there is still grief that has to come with letting go.  Sometimes we have to just give ourselves time to feel the negative things, and then they can pass through and we can integrate the new.  I have to, anyway. 

But I was also in rut of anxious, pessimistic thoughts and fear of the unforeseeable future, which I know is not productive. So come New Year's I resolved, privately, to do what I had to to stay positive.  I know that I need to put self-care as a highest priority.  And yet, my life right now is such that even to take a poo, I have to negotiate the moment with at least one, if not three, other people.  I am needed that much.  My time is my children's right now, and any time for "myself" has to be bought, borrowed, or stolen. Last week I got two hours away to get a tooth pulled (yippee!), and came home to two hours of meltdown from a toddler who had missed me.  The dentist and I discussed which pain-killer would be least of an issue with breastfeeding.  I made some crack about how if I was really an uber-mom, I would just endure the pain without any meds, make the sacrifice.  He didn't quite get it. "Some mothers sacrifice a lot." he said, almost a reprimand.

Yes, we do.  And to add to that, it is largely unseen and unappreciated, but comes with enormous pressure because if you screw it up (and there are SO many ways to do that) you can do damage to that which is most precious to you.  As part of my self-care, I'm practicing self-forgiveness and going easy on myself.  Reminding myself that I am doing a good enough job, even a great job, and it's a hard job, too.  I am trying to give myself permission to loosen my ideals.  Let Boodge watch some more TV.  Let the baby cry for a couple of minutes while I get myself some food.  Let us eat fast food! It's hard for me--I'm an idealist, I have high expectations for myself, and nothing has ever mattered more to me than my kids.  And I'm noticing, as I practice this, little examples everywhere like my exchange with my dentist, where pressure is subtly put on mothers to do more, work harder, dig deeper, and get it all right. 

If you want some examples, check out this blog called "I Blame the Mother" where the writers rip apart in a scathing and hilarious fashion, studies and articles that suggest a myriad of ways we are to blame for things.  And that doesn't even take into account the billions of well-meaning articles and TV shows dedicated to advising mothers on how to do a better job at everything.  Cook wholesome meals!  Manage your (and your child's) anger!  Work out with your baby!  Make bedtime a breeze!  Stop over scheduling your kids!  Do acupressure on your children!  Know what toxic chemicals are poisoning your kid in their bathtub! And then there's the "Mommy Wars", in which we mothers, usually nervous ourselves that we may be doing something wrong by our kids, chastise each other for everything we do--working, not working, using disposable diapers, feeding formula, nursing too long, not nursing long enough, being too strict, too permissive, too messy, too clean.   

It's hard to block out all that noise.  It's akin, to me, to all those images we see on TV of perfectly thin, beautiful women, and the insecurity they can cause normal, perfectly beautiful, real women to feel.  Just like there is always something else I could be doing physically (like, right now, I'm holding and nursing a sleepy baby while typing, and trying to ignore the fact that she just peed on me), there is always something I could be doing better as a Mom. And we all want to do better....I know we do, because we all love our kids so darn much.

But right now, I need to forget all that.  I need to just tell myself, "I am doing the best I can.  My kids are just fine.  In fact, they are wonderful. And all of this mess, all of this to-do list, all of the mistakes I made in parenting today, all the things I don't know.  That's OK.  It's all gonna be OK."  And I invite all of you to say the same thing to yourself. 

May you all have a wonderful 2011.  Blessings to everyone, and thanks for coming back to my blog!