In my last post I mentioned Brene Brown--and today my facebook feed put her in front of me again when Brain. Child Magazine posted the link to this video. See what I mean by divine coincidence? Or...just the internet funneling my interests to me, for the non-believers out there.
Brown has been doing research on shame and vulnerability, connection, belonging, and love. What she has to say makes a lot of sense to me and seems to be what I need to hear right now. I invite you to check her out. She's also good for a laugh or two.
My favorite part came at the end, after she explains her research, and is talking about parenting not from a perspective of saying "Oh, my baby is perfect, my job is to keep her perfect." Talk about pressure! But instead, we can look at our children and say, "You're imperfect. And you're wired for suffering. But you are worthy of love and belonging."
That is what I want my children to feel--love and belonging. Acceptance. Not that I am trying to make them into something I think they should be. Not that somehow they, or anyone else, can make their worlds perfect. But that they have family with open arms, so when things get tough where they will be able to sort out who they are in a safe place. Once you have the sense of being planted in that most nourishing soil of love and acceptance, you can really grow to incredible heights.
It takes the pressure off, in a way, doesn't it? Love and belonging, acceptance? Already done. I feel that for my children, absolutely. But I think it must be trickier than it seems to actually convey this, because there are so many people who walk around wondering if members of their family really accept them, really love them, whether they really fit into their families, just as they are. So many people have left their family of origin to find friends and family that give them that sense of belonging. The fact is, even as we love people for who they are, they can drive us crazy, and it is hard not to convey sometimes that we'd really love them a lot more if they'd just change the way we want them to.
Food for thought today. How do you convey to those that you love that you really do accept them for who they are. And what do you do when who they are drives you crazy, but you love them anyway?
My mother said to me a little while ago, "Shari, I didn't make you perfect!", this sentance seemed to stop me in my tracks of complaining about certian issues. I think about it often when I am trying to feel sorry for myself and am grateful for her backhanded words of encouragement. I has helped me to look at who I am and the way that I look at my kids and realize that the foibles, quirks and quibbles make us who we are and are the foundation for our growth. I have to realize that those around me that drive me crazy for their imperfections, are as accepting of mine (or maybe resigned instead)as I can be of theirs. In the whole big scheme of things the imperfections are not necessarily the deal breaker and are sometimes something that I wish were different in myself. Sometimes I need those things that drive me crazy to really get my emotions to run high or low not just the mid grade. It lets me know that I still care enough to go crazy and that I need to accept them as much as I need to accept myself.
ReplyDeleteA late friend of mine, Big Jon, used to follow up my complaining about things with "oh well." It was such a deflating comment but really reflected the fact that often something you can't change (even though I would give my teeth to make it change)has got to hold less power of focus than the really great stuff.
Glad to see you are still writing. :)Shari
Shari, glad to see you are still reading! I love your comments, they always bring more insight. And your mother's comment too...shows lots of acceptance of you right there!
ReplyDeleteGreat blog Katy. Vulnerability is important.The strange thing is when I listened to the tape I also realized that I shut myself off it after losing Marie-Anne. I didn't want to be vulnerable again,I then strived for things in an empty vacuum with no pains and no joys.
ReplyDeleteNo wonder I was depressive! WOW, thank you for sharing this...
Very interesting, wow, powerful