What's to Be Done With a Melting Toddler?

Funny--I started this post weeks ago, and kept pecking away at it trying to figure out what I wanted to say, exactly.  Then I got sick of it and put it away.  Next thing I knew Megan Francis said it all at "The Happiest Mom".  She said what I wanted to hear, anyway!   It helps to have a mom of 5 suggest that I'm not making the rookie mistake I feared I was.  Here is my post, and you can get Megan's here. 

In our "dining area", we have a whole wall of mirror that is one of the best things that has ever happened to Boodge.  We have no dining furniture so the empty room has become Boodge's stage where he can be his own audience.  He hams it up to his reflection, looks at himself to see if he's laughing at his own jokes, has conversations with "Boodge in the Mirror".  And one of his favorite things to do is practice his fake cry.  He's really good at it.  Sometimes, when he's really crying and he finds himself in front of the mirror, he turns to watch himself and then he gets just a bit more dramatic.

So it's no surprise that he likes to use crying as a strategy to get what he wants.  Most times, we can both acknowledge that he's faking it and move on to asking properly quickly.  Other times, he's so good and so tenacious he fools me into thinking it's real.  And sometimes, it is real.  Sometimes he wants something and I am refusing to let him have it, and he gets frustrated enough to go crazy. This is when it escalates into what's commonly known as a "meltdown" or tantrum.  Boodge is more of a melter and loser of his mind than an angry tantrum thrower. 

Usually meltdowns happen when he's hungry or tired or sick, or processing some change, or reacting to stress in our lives.  Maybe it's all those things and it's translating into a need to cry about the fact that I can't build a robot "that goes" (a cardboard box and marker robot will not do) or he can't watch his video before dinner.  Never mind what it is, though, right?  Because we all know the bottom like is that you're NEVER supposed to "give in" when your kid cries to get what they want.

I've hesitated to write this post lest I get chided or all you seasoned parents out there laugh at me. But I'm gonna admit something, since I've resolved to be imperfect anyway.  Usually, I am firm and I can wait out the meltdown, but sometimes, I give in. Shocking right?  I'm not necessarily second guessing the prevailing wisdom, either.  I believe it's true that I need to teach my child that freaking out and making relentless, ridiculous, rudely put demands is not the best way to get something (though, fact is, it works in adult world too). I believe that if I give in, it teaches him that it works, and he'll try it again. In fact, just the other day that totally happened, and I paid for giving in by having a 4 meltdown day.  I see that rewarding a behavior reinforces it.  Especially, as I learned in psychology classes, rewarding it "intermittently". 

Intermittent reward makes a child all the more persistent, they say, and "resistant" to stopping a behavior.  Since throwing a fit sometimes gets them what they want, they are motivated to keep trying to see if this time, it will work out again.  If it always worked, I suppose it would become boring.  And if it never works, then, supposedly, meltdowns will stop happening eventually.  Apparantly, this is the same reason we compulsively check e-mail--our animal brains responding to an intermittent reward.  Maybe this time we'll get one.

But this is my first go at this parenting thing (yours too? wow!), and I've already blown my chance of somehow convincing Boodge I am immune to his displays of emotion, especially the non-faked ones.  I've caved before, and Boodge knows--it can work.  I'm wondering if any of you out there have managed to NEVER so much as say, "Ok, ok, you can watch one more," when your child gets that tone that signals they're gonna make a thing of this.  If you have, then I guess you've blown it too. But I think it's OK, because I suspect that kids, though they can be strikingly similar, are somewhat more complex than the rats and dogs used in so many of the "intermittent reward" studies.  And I think that meltdowns are a whole lot more than just a behavior that has a goal and needs to be stopped ASAP.

I'll admit it-- midway through a meltdown, I have thought, "Shit, I don't even care if he watches the video now instead of later, if I'd known it was gonna be a big issue, I would have said yes." Or, "Damn it, he's going to crap his pants if I don't turn on the bathroom light that he wanted ME to turn on, not Daddy."  At those times, it's probably not best to cave, especially when he's at high escalation, because he really is just freaking out to get his way.  But it starts to feel like I'm holding on to a "no" that is not worth the pain, and I just want to get on with things.  So, on occasion, I have given in. I've paid for it, but it's been possible to re-balance those interactions within a few days.  

Other times he's sick and tired and I feel for him.  Or I realize that my own cranky mood has a big part to play in his frustration.  I see that I misread the situation, and something meant much more to him than I thought.  I have a change of heart.  And then, too, I love him.  So I think: "Do I really need to be a hardass here?"  Because sometimes he has valid reasons to be upset.  If I'm going to compromise or change my "no", then I try to set it up by asking him to calm down and use good manners to ask (which he can sometimes do, hmmmm...very fast!). But still...the message has been sent, high emotion can get results.

It's possible I'm making a rookie mistake and prolonging this period of intense emotions for both of us.  I'm just trying to feel my way through these storms in a way that respects my child, myself, and our relationship.    As Dr. Seuss said, (and Christie Haskell wrote a great post about here), "A person's a person, no matter how small." I agree with Christie; the good Dr.'s quote sums up one of my parenting tenets well.  We all deserve respect.

Boodge may be behaving in a way that, in the adult world, would be construed as ridiculously manipulative and way out of line.  But he's not an adult.  There's so much he doesn't understand, so much he's adapting to, and so much he can't control.  And true, our job is to teach him that it's just not gonna fly to storm around and make demands, that you have to try to be respectful even if you're really upset.  That's part of it.  Maybe even more importantly, we can teach our kids that when our emotions are making us feel crazy, that's not a good time to have a reasonable conversation or make any big decisions.  Haven't you ever wished you had just stopped and walked away from an argument, calmed down, and approached it with a clear head.  Hasn't it helped when you have? I want Boodge to learn that skill, maybe more than I want him to learn not to be rude and bossy.  It will help him in all his future relationships.    

But getting emotional about what we want, and wanting to have control of our choices, is not a terrible thing.  In fact, it's pretty natural, and even healthy adults still have meltdowns from time to time (when your kid is on his fifth of the day,  it's ok to have just one, right?).  If we approach meltdowns with a bottom line response and see it as just a behavior that has to be stopped ASAP by never "giving in", we may be setting ourselves up for failure.  And more importantly, missing an opportunity to listen to our kids, and show them a better way.

Dealing with all the things we can't control can be scary and overwhelming.  For kids, that's almost everything.  But we learn over time how to healthily express our emotions, and keep them from overwhelming us. We learn who we can lean on to help us through. We figure out how get what we want and need while respecting others' boundaries.  We learn how to cope with the frustration of not getting what we want, the pain of loss and change. We learn to delay gratification.  We learn to apologize.  We learn that we need to sleep and eat and take care of our bodies.  With each meltdown, our child has an opportunity to learn about these things, and we as parents can help or hinder that learning process when we respond.

I'm not suggesting I've mastered the response to the meltdown.  I can fluctuate wildly between angry hardass and cajoling softie.  But I'm realizing that I'd rather view it not as a power struggle between me and my child, but as an intense exchange we are engaged in together, with myself as the guide and authority on the subject.  That helps me see that I have to be aware of what I am modeling for him, and grow up myself emotionally.   It helps me keep a calm, caring silence while he rants and raves.  It helps me listen to what Boodge is not saying, and figure out what is really going on.  Is this just plain emotional blackmail?  Did he hear more of that argument than we thought?  Is he sad because I've been holding and nursing his fussy sister for over an hour? Oh, right, he didn't nap today. Brace yourself.  Getting some sympathy for Boodge's position doesn't mean I have to give in, but it means I can offer understanding, and see the interaction as about more than who  has the power.

Sometimes, ignoring a meltdown it will be the right thing.  Sometimes, getting firm and nipping it in the bud will be the right thing.  Other times, trying to joke him out of it or distract him.  Putting a plate of snacks down.  Offering a hug.   And even if you cave or spaz out completely (which also sometimes works surprisingly well), there is time to go back and talk to your child about it after.  It's not an all or nothing interaction. It's a relationship.  What matters is that you've both been heard and respected.  What matters is what you've taught your child in the process.