She knows all the ins and outs, dramas and personalities, histories and mysteries, in my extended family. She was there long before I was a mum, through the "learning" period in my 20's. She and K picked me up at the airport when I flew home from my failed first marriage at 24 (long story), listened to my dating and relationship adventures for 10 years, and then supported me as I made the scary commitment to marriage again. She's someone I can kick back and drink wine with, lay on the floor in pajamas nursing a baby with, call for anything serious to frivolous, cry and laugh with easily. She is a rare friend, and I couldn't be more grateful for her.
D married my cousin K and they've made four kids, each one their beautiful own person. Ten years ago, long before most of us cousins had kids, K and D were in the thick of parenting. I've mentioned before, we're a tight bunch, and for a blessed while there were 3 or 4 of us plus partners living in Vancouver, and we got together all the time. We always partied at K and D's place because they are great hosts and they had the kids. I can only imagine how many times one of us said something completely ignorant about their parenting or their kids' behavior, because we had no clue what it was like to have a family. I'm sure D can remember a few times. But she has always been gracious about that. She has a way of just saying where she's coming from as a parent, not pushing it on anyone but making no apologies either.
D and K were like no parents we had really seen before. They slept with their kids, something none of our parents had done. They soothed them to sleep every night, and left the party to lay with them if they woke up. D nursed her kids well past three years old, and she and K carried them in slings and wraps as babies. She birthed 2 of her children at home, and all of them naturally, with midwives. As their kids got older, they disciplined in a very different way. There wasn't a "because I'm the boss and I said so" mentality, there was give and take. K and D didn't believe in punishment. Their kids were allowed to say their piece and have their emotions. They had a whole set of ideas around parenting that was a little foreign to all of us cousins.
D was three kids in by the time I had Boodge. It wasn't until my brother's partner and I started "firing up our ovens" and D expressed what a relief it would be to have more parents in the family, that I really understood how much she had felt in the spotlight, and craved the understanding of another mommy in our crew. But I'm so grateful that I had years to watch her parent before I had children. She introduced me to new possibilities in parenting. To a conscious sort of parenting that comes in line with who I really am, accepts all the family members for who they are, and isn't swayed by public opinion. To unabashed caring for the little people in your love and charge.
She helped me get educated about all the tough decisions that come with pregnancy and parenting. She showed me reputable sources of research so that I could come to my own conclusions. She loaned me her books on vaccines and natural birthing and breastfeeding. She talked about the issues surrounding mothers nursing and birthing rights. But more important was what she showed me just by being herself. I saw her smiling and playing with her babies a she nursed them and I knew I wanted to nurse my babies and feel such a special bond. Though I had never even considered sleeping with my child as a possibility, seeing D cuddled with her sleeping babes, whether in bed or sling, made me open to trying it (and three years in, so many blessed wake-ups to inhale my soft, smiling baby...I am so glad I've done it!). I watched her speak kindly to her "acting out" kids and I realized that just because a kid's behavior or emotion is inconvenient, doesn't mean it's invalid. I saw her and K having fun with the kids, and I realized family life could be a good time. And I saw her kids develop into independent, confident, compassionate, and very smart little beings with dynamic personalities.
She took such joy and interest in my first pregnancy, even though she had already been through it three times of her own (and had three kids to think about). I inundated her with questions and concerns, and she was always willing to listen and sort things through with me. D was the person I called when I was pregnant and the midwife didn't find the heartbeat the first two times she tried, or when I hadn't felt kicks for an uncomfortably long time. She was my doulalabour-ade, wiping up my drools and pukes and, um, whatnot. She put her hands up over her face and her heart stopped with ours when Boodge did not breathe at first, and the midwives seemed panicked. Listened to me cry out my fears in my weepy post-partum days. Reassured me the first time Boodge fell out of bed, or bonked his head too hard, or got sick. This list can just go on and on, because D has been one of the first people I call at every heart-stopper, or joy, or milestone, or confusing "is this normal" or "what the hell do I do now?" moment of parenting. Sharing parenting with her has made it much richer. It has deepened our friendship, and becoming a mom myself has given me even more appreciation for the tremendous quiet wisdom, courage and generosity she has.
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| D with Boodge |
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| And with Peanut. My babies love her! |
I don't know how she does it. She has always been so much more seasoned as a mom, but she still seems to be right there with me as I sort out all my rookie experiences. You'd think she'd be so past all that, and way too busy for it, but she never gives off that sense. Even when I am following a parenting path she doesn't follow, I don't feel judged by her. She just helps me consider all the angles, and she knows when I come to a choice that it was the right one for me.
And she doesn't offer unsolicited advice (we all know now I don't like that), but when I ask for it (often), she gives good stuff. She is able to offer the bigger picture as only one who's been there can. Like, "it's teeth", or "he's still so little, consistent sleep is not a realistic expectation", or "she's a girl, so maybe that's why she eats less". And most importantly, "This will pass, and it will get easier." When she listens, she hears not only what I am saying, but to what my child may be saying through their behavior too, and she tells me both. If she sees that I need to step up for my kid, she lets me know, and if she sees that I need to do something for myself, she'll tell me that too. I appreciate that balanced view, since I too am always concerned about both my child and myself in most decisions.
When I went back to work part-time, the first time I had to leave Boodge with someone other than his father, she was there to take him. I completely trusted her to care for him as I would, and was so relieved that it was her he would be with. Still, I was so nervous about leaving that precious piece of myself for so long! I had to stomp down thoughts of possible car accidents for me or injuries for him. Me not being there if he needed me. As I left her house I started to cry and she didn't say, "Oh, don't worry, he'll be fine!" or "Trust me, I have three small kids!" She just hugged me, looked me in my watery eyes, and said, "I know." That's where she comes from. Her heart.
I'm not trying to deify her here, she is not perfect. She has four kids, and a life that doesn't follow the mainstream. Things can get crazy. Yelling happens, tears happen, periods of worry and stress happen. That's another thing I've gained from watching her parent--I know it's not just at my house. D is real. She doesn't try to give the impression that having a family is not messy. She's shown me the ideals we can reach for in parenting, but also the reality that you shouldn't expect to actually reach them, just practice.
She does a strong practice, every day. She questions herself and she learns. She takes parenting very seriously, yet she let's things roll and laughs often. By default, she is gentle, kind, patient, and respectful, so she comes from a solid base. Though now that I know her better I have seen her get unsure, get angry, or get quietly sad and have to take space for herself, for the most part she appears to keep an amazingly even keel for someone with so much to take care of. Her family is so lucky to have her. And I am so lucky she came into my family (well done, K!). I admire her so much. I am sure I would not be the mother I am without her mentor-ship and inspiration, her support and perspective.
In this last year and a half, I feel even more blessed that we've had the chance to share simultaneous pregnancies and the joyous births of our two baby girls, six weeks apart. As usual, D. was one of the first people I called in my euphoria after Peanut was born, and she shouted excitedly into the phone, "We got our girls!" I love seeing our two little babes together, just learning to grasp and move, looking at each other in surprised curiosity at the recognition of someone like them.
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It is my dear hope that they can grow in life together the way D and I have, their friendship filling fuller and fuller as they move through the stages of childhood and adulthood, womanhood and motherhood, together.
Thank you D. I love you, sweet Mama.
Who has inspired you as a mother, or taught you so many things that you are grateful for? In honor of our Mothers, I'd love if you'd take a minute to post a little something about a mommy-mentor in your life. Maybe your own Mom. If you post it on facebook, I'll add it to the blog comments later. Or, if you don't feel like doing that, send a little thank you to a Mama that has helped you along.
Happy Mother's Day everyone.
