A Crazy Life

Our house has been filling up lately.  When we moved in, it was just our little triad, and I felt like we were getting way too much house.  "You'll grow into it," some people, including my husband who had fallen in love with the view and yard, assured me.  And they were so right.  We've been in a one crazy growth spurt the last couple of months.

First there was Peanut. You all know about that one.  She sent the world spinning just as expected, and we are just starting to slow down, though not yet stopped by a long shot. (it does stop, right, more-experienced-mothers?)

In the midst of the spin, another big change.  My mother-in-law reaches her own realization--it's time to retire and move into the suite in our house.  This is something we had all talked about doing off an on over the years, but here it was, happening now.  It's a big shift for all of us, but one we're hoping will be good for all concerned.  One of those times when life rolls in a certain direction and you have to just roll with it, though I confess I am not always as good at that as I'd like to be.

Then, one day, we found yet another occupant in our house, a squatter.  The first evidence was the little mouse poops on the carpet for two days in a row.  Then Sean saw him, scampering around outside his office late one night.  The next day, I reached into the oven drawer for a cookie sheet and was surprised by our friend. I leapt back, tried to play it cool for Boodge and then, abandoning my feminist spirit completely, I called Sean to come get my pan.  My prince swaggered in, "I'm sure it's long gone by now, you would have scared it off."  He reaches in and the mouse jumps over his hand, scampers to the corner and disappears into a hole by the dishwasher.  Sean and I both leap back, I scream.  Boodge looks at us like, "What is the big deal??"

Sean, who loves animals, has been pushing for a cat for a while now.  I've been hesitant, reluctant to have yet another being to take care of.  My mom even jokingly suggested to Sean that he planted the mouse.  'Cause guess what!  A few days later, "Boodge, we're getting a kitty!  Just like Caillou has!  And the kitty will play with you, Boodge!"  (We sold his sister to him the same way--I'm sure he's skeptical.)  So off we go to the local humane society. We need a cat with a combination of killer instinct and mellow, good with the chaos of kids temperament.  Also, Sean kind of wanted a male cat, and I kind of wanted a female.

We met a young mama cat named Maya.  The volunteer cat-lady took out her lazer pointer and shook it, and Maya leapt at the spot. She let us pet her, and she didn't freak out with Ardan in her cage.  Then the cat-lady pointed out her son, Hercules, in the cage next door. Hurk jumped for that lazer with the light speed of a hungry adolescent.  Hurk, or Maya.  I didn't like the thought of taking a mommy away from her son, or vice versa.  Sean got a little giddy at the thought of two cats.  We called his mom to see if she may be willing to take one on from time to time, and catsit when we're away.  And before you know it....Sean is carrying in a cat cage with Maya and Hercules. 

Boodge was so excited, he rode his fire truck around and around the cage in circles for probably, 20 minutes. The cats were terrified.  I probably should have stopped him, but I figured that the cats should know what they're dealing with before they leave their safe haven.  And besides, Boodge cannot truly be stopped....they would have found out sooner or later.  They continue to find his energy very--jarring. So, though we have cats, they hide all day and only emerge when Boodge is asleep.  Except....

Last Thursday, we all traipse in from the library and get ready for night night time.  I turn out the light and Boodge crawls onto his bed.  "Aaaaah!" he exclaimes, just as I say, "What's that smell, wait a minute...." and turn the light back on.  He holds his hand up, horrifyingly covered with a thick layer of putrid smelling cat-shit.  AAGH!  I try to play it cool again, but I'm almost puking in my mouth as I clean it off of him, strip his clothes and the bed, and replace the sheets.  It takes me an hour or two to recover from the smell.

It was totally intentional. You know how pissy cats can get when they want things their way. So Sean and I decided to keep his bedroom door closed from then on, and hope they get used to him. But the next day, the day, by the way, that my mother-in-law is moving in, we traipse in from a crowded breakfast with Santa at our local drop-in.  Boodge is in full meltdown from overstimulation, hunger, and tiredness. Peanut is right there with him, and they are both screaming to outdo each other.  I coax Boodge down the hallway...("I want night night NOW!"  "Well, come on to your bedroom. COME ON. Get up and lets go!") and he crawls into bed right over ANOTHER TURD!  Fireworks explode in my brain.  Both kids screaming, I change the foul sheets, cursing the cats and not under my breath, either.  They are both asleep 15 minutes later and I am in the comfy chair, recovering my frazzled nerves.  Suddenly a little mouse poop on the carpet seems like no biggie at all. Why couldn't we just welcome the mice as pets?

I feel like quoting Jon and Kate Plus 8 now..."It may be a crazy life, but it's our life."  It is ours, and crazy as it is, I know every day that I'm lucky to have this life and this home to grow into. But the last couple of months we have felt like a snowball careening downhill, picking up speed an size as it goes.  I can only hope that the end of the hill is coming soon and we can coast to a stop.  Well, I can also hope that the cats stop shitting on my son's bed.  And I do hope that, I really, really do.  

Here in my living room....

I'm in the unfortunate position of having lots I'd like to write about, and very little time when  my hands and butt are both free at the same time.  So here I am with who knows how many minutes on my "beat the baby" clock, and I thought I'd try to get a thought out. Oh....she's crying...hang on. My little girl is on day 4 with no poo and that makes her a bit ornery, and wakes her frequently.  So now I have one hand and bum free.

And so it goes.  I just watched a great talk on taboos of parenting, shared by my prenatal class instructor, who also facilitates parenting support groups and runs Mama Renew.  Taboo number two, "You can't talk about how lonely it can be," really resonated with me.  Being at home in the winter with a newborn and a little whirling dervish can certainly feel isolating.  I've been making a conscious effort to get out of the house, so that each day Boodge and I get to see the outside world, but it is not easy or always worth the effort.  I'm lucky my husband works at home, so I can chat with an adult once or twice during the day, and I am starting to make some friends and connect with other moms in my new community. And blogging, when I get to do so, gives me a place to work out some of my thoughts as I ride through these changes (perpetually) and connect with family, friends, and like-minded parents. 

So though I'm feeling isolated, I'm not hurting, and even sometimes appreciating an excuse to just chill out at home reading (children's books), watching (children's) videos, nursing (while doing those things) and cooking.  And building towers, painting masterpieces, playing cars, dancing down the hallways singing gibberish songs, and dancing around the kitchen singing "shhhhh, shhhhh" to a little baby with a 4 day buildup.  It's a time I will miss one day, I know. 

I hear coughing, and I am pretty sure the Boodge will emerge at any moment, in questionable humour.  So I should end it now, and not wait for the clever ending.  I wanted to connect, that's all, and say I'm here, in my house, alone most of all day with a baby and a toddler. And it's lovely and amazing. And I miss all you out there in blogland, and the rest of the world.  Look forward to seeing you more often, stop by anytime and say hi.

Some Gems Found Around Our House

There have been so many moments lately where I've thought, "I want to remember that," or, "I want to share that." But when you are moving at rocket speed, sometimes you don't.  So here's a moment to do it.

Me, at the dinner table:  "Boodge, can you turn around and sit down. I don't want to talk to your bumhole."
Boodge turns around, dinner resumes. Then he interrupts the conversation. "Mummy?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you talk to my bumhole?"

Boodge, after finishing a short and sweet nursing session.  "Mmmm, mmmm.  That's yummy milk-boo!"
Me:  "It's yummy?"
Boodge:  "Mmmm hmmmm. It's yummy.  Thank you Mummy for that boo milk.  Thank you Mummy."
Me, beaming. "You're welcome my little love."
Boodge, haltingly searching for the words, "Thank you for saving me some of that boo milk and not giving it all to Peanut!" 
I can't tell you how nice it was to be appreciated and validated for a long, often challenging commitment to nursing.  I'm sure other nursing mama's can understand.  This is a benefit of nursing them till they can "walk and talk". They can thank you!

At the dinner table, Ardan asks for juice and Sean gets it for him.
Ardan, takes a long swig: "Mmmmm, that juice tastes like sugar."
Me, distracted. "Oh yeah?"
Another swig.  "That juice tastes just like sugar!"
Me: "Really? Let me try it. Hm...what is that? It tastes familiar.  What did you give him Sean?"
Sean: "I don't know, whatever was in the fridge."
I think about it. I finished the box of juice that afternoon, there is no juice in the fridge. Ahhhh....
"It's Chai tea mix!"
I don't usually buy it, so Sean wouldn't expect it to be in the fridge.  It could have been way worse.  Ardan did manage to get to sleep by 10 that night.

Me, rocking in the chair with Peanut (who is a very gassy, constipated, and pukey baby):  "She hasn't puked in a while."
Sean: "Famous last words."
Peanut, a heartbeat later: "Blarf, blarf, barf, puke."  The girl has excellent comic timing. If only we'd had the camera on it, we would win America's Funniest Home Videos.

Peanut doesn't say much yet, but she already has a certain way of looking at me and smiling that makes me feel we're sharing a joke, or an understanding of some kind.   In fact, she looks at me sometimes like she knows a secret I don't that she's just waiting, gleefully, to tell me.  She'll open her mouth with a big smile and say, "uhhh, ahhh, uhhh", just straining to get it out. I can't wait to hear what it is. I feel like I've known her forever.

Of course, my children are the most precious gems of all. 

Birth Story Bash

If you like reading birth stories, there's a whole lot of them over at Mommypotamous.  I just submitted Peanut's too.  Just wanted to let you all know. Now I'm off to diddle away some time while everyone naps.  Gotta love those synchronous naps.

This too shall pass....

I did it, didn't I?  I made that smug little comment about "how much time I have to blog" in my last post.  Which was a couple of weeks ago now, right?  Rule number one about having a baby, "don't slap asses".  As soon as I made that comment, time to blog disappeared.  Naptimes that were coordinated became uncoordinated.  Naps were missed. Visitors were had. Colds were caught.  Business travel was called for.  And another unexpected life change that I won't go into added an overlayer of anxiety and intense discussions whenever Sean and I had a few moments to speak.

We are full on into life, plus an infant.  Things seem to move at rocket speed, and I'm barely keeping up.  Some days. or hours, I am OK with that because I know this is the way things are with an infant, and with life, and and this too will pass.  And on those days I can make the best of the moment and believe I can take it all as it comes with grace.  Other days, or hours, like the hours between 4-6 when everyone is tired and cranky and I'm trying to make dinner, I am gritting my teeth and trying not to lose it on someone.  I feel cooped up in the house with the winter cold, but when I venture out with the two kids it is so harried and intense that I just want to get home.

The great thing about children is they keep you in the moment.  The difficult thing about children is that they keep you in the moment.  I am trying hard to stay in the greatness of each moment, but sometimes I admit the combination of a screaming baby, a freezing cold winter day, and an obstinate two year old can make a moment feel completely insane.  The hard thing to do is reset once that moment has passed.   Babies are so amazing because they can do that--in an instant a desperate scream is replaced by a purely happy smile.  Looking at Boodge, I can see that even at two, moments start to be something we hang onto, that affect the moment after, and the moment after.

Parenting, and life in general, requires a lot of letting go.  Letting go of bad moods, expectations, oversights the way your child was last week or an hour ago.  Letting go of fear and what other people think and the desire for control.  Letting go into love and trust, into your own instincts.  All of this is best done if I can be in the now, instead of in all the thoughts and assumptions and anxieties in my head.   But that way of being, like a baby, fully present in each passing sensation, grows out of us.  We learn how to escape difficult moments, how to make boring moments more entertaining, fearful moments more safe--all using our minds.  And after a time, we have to relearn how to just be where we are, even if it is stressful.

That is where I am, I suppose, dancing between the moment and the way I cope with it in my head.  When I can reset my mind, let go, and meet the moment just where it is, I feel much better.  I can appreciate right now, when the baby is napping in my arms, her head bopping to the keys, and Boodge is napping in his bed, and snow falls silently outside the windows.  Or I can even appreciate the humour in two screaming kids in the back of the car, driving in a sudden downpour.  And I can change what could be a crappy day into a good one.
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But I'm not there all the time, people, I'm just not.  I dance sloppy when I'm too tired. So how do you all rise above those moments when you want to lose it, or just can't get out of a negative mindset?  What helps you trust that things are going to be OK, and accept that you can't have things the way you want them all the time? (the Boodge teaches me very little about the latter).  I'm curious to know what helps you all dance to this hectic, unpredictable, beautiful beat of family life.

And Another Thing About Tandem Nursing

So, now that I'm "out" (whew, I feel better), I want to talk more about my experience tandem nursing, just to share my experience in the hope someone finds it useful.  For me, tandem nursing and my decisions around it were all mixed up in my desire for my kids to have a good sibling relationship, and to help Boodge adjust to his sibling in a way that encouraged bonding and sharing rather than jealousy and insecurity.  Now I know I can't control the sibling relationship, and how it goes...so much depends on who they are innately and the many experiences they will have together.  But I do have some influence on how they view the relationship and in not creating any dynamics that intensify sibling rivalry in regards to my attention.

I think nursing is just representative of anything a mother can do to ease the transition and make siblinghood feel like a good thing.  It's a form of attention I give my kids, one that is nourishing and loving and very special time for them and for me (though believe me, I frequently forget to appreciate how special it is and just feel annoyed or rushed).  And it's a form of attention they still really want.  Just like Boodge will one day outgrow the desire to have me sit with him while he has a poo, but will want me to watch him play soccer, he will also outgrow this form of attention and want a different one. But for now, it is important to both my kids in different ways, and though tandem nursing helps Boodge feel included and secure, it is still terrain that needs to be negotiated carefully.

This is what I want to say to tandem nursing moms....you should prepare yourself to set some boundaries.  You may not realize what they are until you are in it, but how you set them probably helps, so if you can think about it in advance, you may avoid some bad scenes.  If your toddler is not one of those magical ones that says, "Ok, the baby can now have the boob, I'm done"  (which, apparently, happens!) then you are faced with deciding how your kids can share this precious resource.  There will be lots of milk, but it is not infinite, and you will likely find that you too have a limit on how much you want to nurse, though I can't say what that will be for you.

Boodge was gracious about sharing the first time.  We were in the hospital, and I had to nurse the baby, and he said he wanted to "Boo."  I thought, "Ok, here we go, this is where it starts." I allowed him to latch onto the other side, and I sat there in a room full of people feeling akin to a nursing pig-mama.  (the word sow is too much for me!)  But then I looked down at my babies. Boodge was studying Peanut's face, taking it all in with that serious look he gets around new and intriguing puzzles.  Peanut was nuzzling and grunting, a new, tiny piglet. And then Boodge reached and very gently stroked her head, her face, and reached for her hand to play with her little fingers.  I melted completely, and in that moment felt very committed to tandem nursing.

Then we got home and over the next couple of weeks, I figured out where my limits were.  Boodge wanted to nurse every time Peanut nursed, and then some, where before he had been down to 3-4 times a day.  But when it was time to nurse to sleep, he was distracted, and tenacious too.  He wouldn't let go into sleep, he wouldn't let the "Boo" or his mommy go at night time and naptime. He missed naps, I missed breaks from him. I got tired and then angry, overwhelmed with all the newness and change myself. 

Though I did my best to realize that Boodge was also adjusting and tired, we had some bad moments.  I lashed out at him for not falling asleep fast enough at times, or for refusing to nap.  He acted out, doing things he knew were not allowed, one after the other.  I yelled, I cried in front of him.  And sometimes when he asked for "Boo," I refused him in a very angry way.  Sometimes, I refused him because I didn't feel like being exposed to guests, both breasts out.  And he cried in a way that I knew I had hurt his feelings.  It is hard, and I suppose any way you navigate it, adding a new member to the family will destabilize things and cause some friction. 

Now we are almost a month in and things are stabilizing.  Boodge is not asking to nurse as much, though it is still more often than it used to be.  I found it helped when I prepared Boodge in advance for the change, and explained why it helped his little sister.  For instance, the first time I had to tell him he can't have both sides on his morning session anymore, I didn't prepare him, and I was impatient when I told him.  He freaked out.  But over the course of the day I managed to pull it out by revisiting the scene, validating his feelings and briefly explaining why ("cause your sister is hungry in the morning too, and she can't have pancakes or granola and yogurt").  Then I reminded him of it before bed, and in the morning when he came into our room to nurse.  And he was totally gracious about it then, and from then on has never tried for the other side and often mentioned that it's "Peanut's side".

When I heard about tandem nursing, I couldn't imagine having two babies latched onto me at the same time.  I thought I may choose to only nurse them separately.  But I've learned that if one is nursing at a time, you have to worry about what the other is doing.  If Peanut is crying, I have to interrupt Boodge.  If Boodge needs to pee, I have to interrupt Peanut.  And Boodge invents scenarios that require attention...inflating an injury, smashing his toys into the window...you know how 2-year olds are.  So I've found I really appreciate those times when they are both latched on and my mind can drift while my body rests under the weight of my two sweeties.  And now that Boodge is used to nursing with her, it helps get them both to sleep at the same time, which is totally amazing, because...look at how much time I have to blog!!  We had to change Boodge's routine of nursing to sleep in the living room and being carried to his room asleep.  Now we all lie down in his bed and I nurse both, or cuddle sleeping Peanut in one arm while he nurses to sleep on the other side. 

And how is it all working for my main objective, the sibling relationship?  Mostly, great.  Boodge will sometimes say "I want to nurse with my little sister." He holds her hand and he strokes her head, and he sometimes pulls off to make some observation like "Peanut is soooo teeny weeny."  There have been moments when I see him looking at me while I nurse Peanut, and on his face is pure longing sadness and envy.  When I see that, I will invite him to nurse or cuddle or read a book, and make sure I reinforce to him how much I love being with him, and that it is sometimes hard for him that Mama is not always there in the same way.    I also point out to him the advantages of having Peanut around, "There's all this yummy milk now," and "You get to boo so much more!"  And I really thing Boodge likes Peanut, and though he is still pretty much absorbed in his own thing (you know how 2-year olds are), he likes to pause and see how she is, or give her a "little nose kiss" or a cuddle.  He'll bring her a blanket or play a song for her when she is crying.  And he seems to be feeling pretty secure and comfortable with the new status quo these days.

Peanut, for her part, is gaining weight like crazy and seems pretty chilled out.  Luckily, she is an amazing nurser and can find her latch and stay on through a fair amount of jostling and in a variety of awkward positions.  I look forward to seeing how it evolves as she becomes more alert and interactive.  She still gets a lot of solo "boo" time, and Boodge gets his morning and evening nurses solo.

If you're going to try tandem nursing, or are doing it, or are just introducing a new sibling, I hope this is helpful. Those first few weeks are tough...and I'm sure there will be lots of tough times ahead.  But things do get better, we all grow, and babies grow up so fast.  And let's all remember to go easy on ourselves and our kids.  Parenting is a learned art.  I'd love to hear anyone else's experiences navigating the terrain of having a new baby, and how you share the love around and help your kids bond and connect.

A Little Haiku For Peanut

Slurp, grunt, burp, baby,
Sleep sweetly, dripping fat milk
Mama love, smiling lips