Sometimes on this blog I've referred to "The Great Mother". One day, I'll write a blog post about her--she's my own version of a deity, and I have come to know her since getting pregnant and having kids. She is both incredibly loving and protective, and a trickster. And I feel the trickster at work right now. It seems, just to have fun with the whole "Don't talk about the war" thing, she may be going through my blog and checking me for other things I was so smug and confident about. Like, potty training. Remember my post about the Tao of Potty Training? Nowadays, it's more like Western religions--about shame and guilt and body parts.
They say there can be a regression in this area when a new sibling enters the scene. Sean and I were so confident that this would not happen in our case, we're a bit blindsided. Silly, silly parents. But I think what's happening is only partly about Peanut's arrival and also partly about a new developmental phase Boodge is getting to, which has to do with wanting to do his own thing and figure out what happens, regardless of what Sean or I think. Part of me is intrigued, like, oh, look how his mind is working. He's figured out that I'm not omnipotent (who knew this post would be so religious!) and he can do these things when I'm not looking, and hope I don't find out. And I don't blame him, either. Who among us wouldn't sometimes like to just pee on the couch while watching a video instead of getting up? Or, see what happens if I pee in this open umbrella.
There have been other examples of him trying things when I'm not looking. At the grocery store, he managed to get a hand into the bulk bin and shove two candy whales into his mouth before I could stop him. And one time, I put the baby on the couch and ran out to get something from the freezer. When I came back, she was on the floor, screaming. "Oh my god, what happened!!? Did she fall?" "Uh huh." said Boodge, who was playing with his lego. "She fell on me." I focused on calming the screaming baby but I thought about it, and really didn't think she was mobile enough to have moved from the corner of the couch to the floor, and land on her back the way she was positioned. So later that day, I teased it out of Boodge that he had tried to pick her up, and she was heavier and squirmier than he expected. I'm sure he was alarmed by my strong reaction when I came in, and didn't want to admit he had been involved. Totally normal.
I've been reading Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate's book, "Hold on to Your Kids." Yes, the day after my rant about how sick I am of all the parenting advice and admonitions out there, I went and got some parenting books from the library. But this book is one I'd been hearing about for a long time, and wanted to read, and I've gotten a lot out of the chapter on "counterwill". There is a good article about it here, and I'm hoping to write more about it some other time.
Basically, counterwill is the instinct in all of us that gets resistant when we feel somebody is trying to push us to do something. Neufeld explains that it comes out very strongly in 2-5 year olds and adolescents. It protects that part of kids that wants to become their own person and figure things out on their own, Neufeld says "they put up a wall of no's" so that behind it, they can be free to explore. It also protects our kids from taking orders from people they don't trust or aren't close to. The thing about it is that the more the kid feels they are being pushed to do one thing (especially by someone they may not know or like at that moment), the more their counterwill is activated, so you can actually push them to do what you don't want by pushing them too hard. Parenting is such a fine art.
It all makes a lot of sense to me, because I feel that instinct in myself and see it in friends and family. But it's so hard to find the balance between, I'm SERIOUS! Stop doing this! and pushing it over the edge that will escalate the problem. And the balance between, "I love you, but STOP DOING THIS!!" And even the balance between, "I'm SERIOUS! But this is hilarious, and I can't help but laugh!" It just feels better to laugh about it, a lot of the time.
So, Great Mother Trickster, I see what you're doing. I get it. Potty training is not as simple as it seemed. And the Wu Wei is much easier when you're not thinking we just got that couch, dude, and now there's pee in it, and I KNOW you know better. But more importantly, I'm kind of fascinated to see my son getting to this new point, where he is starting to become his own person in a different way. A way, I'm sure, that will bring many laughs and tears and destroyed furniture in years to come.
Yes, kids will be kids! and mothers will be mothers!!!That's as simple as that!
ReplyDeleteKids love games, they love rewards and they love laughing but they also need a good secure framework to grow up in and to flourish.
I found out that getting mad and trying to reason with a 2 year old is just not the way, yet I am the first one to admit my "mea Culpa!"There are just days when you can't see the humour in the behaviour until later.
Counting to ten is also good for Mamas to give themselves space to decide the importance, reason and background relating to the event before reacting.
I must admit that I was never too patient with the NO stage, luckily neither of my children had much of one... or was it due to the fact that they knew it didn't go too far with me that it didn't last... or was it the fact that I did try to understand the reasons for their behaviour and we talked about it calmly after the initial reaction???
It's trying that's for sure... but nothing that can't be handled with consistancy in the rules, understanding where the child comes from, getting the child involved in the repair and love... and sometimes a little private deal between mom and child if there is no recurrence! Something special as a reward.